WatchTVSitcoms Blog

What is going on?

2009-02-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

First they were nagging about those 60-year-olds that had a kid. Then that freak had 8 babies. And now some 13 year old "might" be Britain's youngest father. And I say might because about 8 other kids his age also say it was theirs.

And now New York Governor David Patterson wants to tax internet porn. You see, the economic solution has been right here in our hands all a long. But seriously, if this plan goes through, Bill Clinton alone will be able to set this country straight. Actually, I think that he's just mad that he can't see any of it.

Scientists at NASA have said that there could be over 100 other planets like the Earth in our Solar System. And all of them are in better financial shape than we are.

Last week, a Russian satellite and an American satellite collided in outer space. And today, Sarah Palin said that she saw the collision from her house. If you ask me, I think that the US wanted to knock down the satellite and make it look like an accident.

And a 36-year-old teacher got arrested for skipping class in order to work as a prostitute. This is completely unacceptable. Those poor children! They had to have sex with the substitute.

New Logos

2009-02-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

Companies are down the drain, so they have to redesign their logos.

Public Service Announcement

2009-02-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

With a lot of CEOs going to jail, it is important for me to remind you that if you get a notice to serve on a jury, you'd better go. If you miss jury duty, you're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. you're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.

There are four things all over the news today:

-That tool Christian Bale freaking out because somebody had to walk

-That stupid kid who got high after going to the dentist

-Chris Brown assaulting Rhianna

-Obama hitting his head on Air Force One. This was his 6th trip.

If I were a Republican, I would say that Obama hitting his head is a sign from God that he is a disaster. But I'm not a Republican. So I will say that him taking 6 trips on Air Force one after only two weeks in office is a disaster. What the hell is this man doing?

All of his appointees are frauds. None of them paid their taxes. And now Congress has to make a trillion dollars appear out of thin air just to keep the economy alive.

And the Post Office is going to have some serious changes. You know when you go to the post office and there is that one window open? They are closing that window.

Do you know how many people work at the post office? About half!

But seriously, they are cutting Saturday delivery. That means that millions of Americans will have to have sex with the UPS guy instead!

And Then The Fight Started

2009-02-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

----------

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she sees and says to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I reply, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....

----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

The Economy Is Strong

2009-02-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl is the best indicator of our economic strength. In 2000, companies like petsovernight.com could afford to run multiple advertisments about how they can bring a giraffe right to your door in a cardboard box.

Last year Cadillac had a six-minute commercial, and others had people who had money coming out the wazoo.

And today, who the hell is advertising? We have Ed McMahon, the guy who used to give random people checks for $5,000,000, and now he's doing a commercial where he has to give away his belongings to cash4gold.com for money. What's going on? And Denny's gave everbody in America a free breakfast.

And Hyuandai is telling you that if you buy a car from them and you lose your job, you can give them your car back without any impact on your credit. The other car companies couldn't even afford to run ads.

Even Budweiser has been affected. Their first ad was about an office meeting trying to cut costs.

And then E*TRADE has to have your 2-year old tell you about the economy.

And then another group of office workers trying to steal Doritos from the vending machine.

So in sum, we're totally screwed!

That Tool Christian Bale Freaks Out

2009-02-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

That thin-lipped American-acting-job-stealing Christian Bale was on the set of some shit movie. It's called Terminator 4, which is the re-make of a re-make of a re-make that nobody will watch. And some lighting dude was walking by the set during one of the shoots. So that Bale decided that he would freak out on him.

I almost confused the recording for Rod Blagojevich

These actors need to shut the hell up. They think that they're everything because they can go on a set and say some stupid lines, and we pay them millions of dollars. They got this job purely by luck. There are tens of thousands of people who can take their spot in a second and work for peanuts.

So if you want to hear him:

Obama will pardon Aretha Franklin's hat

2009-01-23T00:10:00.000-08:00

Some of you are complaining that the bank took your home. You should know that you have it easy. I know a guy with a home and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.

Speaking of which, the final numbers for the inauguration are in. 4,000,000 attended, whereas only 200,000 attended Bush's inauguration. But of course, there are more unemployed people now.

And I have just received word that Obama has pardoned Aretha Franklin's hat. The wind blew it off of her head and it flattened 19 people.

And if that wasn't bad enough, they ruined up the oath by not mentioning the word "faithful". Those pesky Republicans just had to get one more screw up in seconds before Obama became president. But who can blame them? It's not like anybody in Washington understands the meaning of the word faithful.

And I heard that all of the US Airways passengers who landed in the Hudson River received $5000 checks. And they are also getting 3 frequent flyer miles. I also heard that they gave them the choice of landing in Newark or in the river and they all took the river. And the passengers who paid $25 for a life vest were able to float. It's quite amazing that the rescue crews were able to save all of the passengers and also pull out 3 mob bodies from the river.

Seriously, though, Hillary Clinton was officially confirmed yesterday. Senate voted 16-1 for her. Only David Vitter voted against her (he said that he isn't used to getting behind a woman without paying her $300 first).

On the topic of the Senate, Blagojevich's senator was rejected because he doesn't meet their ethical standards. I wonder which Senator rejected him? Was it the one who embezzled the money and hid it in his freezer? Or the one who sent dirty text messages to underage boys? Or maybe the one who replaced the one who sent dirty text messages and then was caught in an affair with his secretary and had to fire her? Or maybe the one with the hooker? No, I bet it's the one who was caught having random gay sex in an airport bathroom stall!

Speaking of which, it's so cold in Chicago that if you buy a Senate Seat Blagojevich will throw in a free seat warmer. And if it still doesn't sell, then he is going to wait until summer when prices improve. The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, he thanked the Court and said "Your check is in the mail".

And Sanjay Gupta will probably be the Surgeon General. I think he is a great choice if he has been able to keep Larry King alive for all of these years. You know, now I realize why they call it Larry King Live. When Sanjay is gone from CNN, they will have to call it Larry King Dead.

I'll tell you that the economy is rough. People are standing behind George Bush just to get the free shoes. Actually, Iraqi's can only afford to throw one show at US Presidents now. And that dog from Marley & Me phoned Michael Vick to schedule some fights.

If a Tree Falls In The Woods Fell On Barack Obama Will Anyone Hear It?

2009-01-22T23:11:00.001-08:00

I want to start off by giving my warmest wishes to the new President, Barack Hussein Obama.

Mr. Citizen George W. Bush left Washington DC with his head held high; that is the only way he can see shoes being thrown at him. And Dick Cheney was on a wheelchair. He broke his back trying to lift the price of oil.

So Barack Obama's first order of business is to lead by example. He froze all of the executive salaries, except for his own of course. That has to go up for God only knows what reason. And he also ordered that gitmo be closed, in a year. And the prisoners will either be sent to their own countries where they will be executed, or they will be brought to US prisons where they will wish they could be executed.

And he also ordered the CIA to close their secret prisons wherever they are as soon as possible. Seriously, even Obama does not know where the secret prisons are.

And people are complaining that Obama didn't say the word faithfully in his oath. So he won't be a "faithful" president. Seriously? You think that this guy just didn't say that word so that he can do anything he wants? Bush said the oath and you can see what kind of a job he did.

I Just Thought of Something Awesome!

2009-01-16T13:34:00.000-08:00

Obama is God's punishment for us having elected George W. Bush to two terms in office.

Important Notice

2009-01-16T13:27:00.001-08:00

I would like to remind you that on Tuesday, over 4 million people will gather in Washington DC to witness something that could only happen in America: all of them will fight over the same porta-potty.

Farwell From The Monkey-In-Chief

2009-01-16T13:19:00.001-08:00

As if the crap that we have put up for the last eight years wasn't enough, Mr. President George W. Bush had to interrupt 15 minutes of prime time television last night to say good bye.

Most of the highlights: Mr. Obama as another example of his arrogance and contempt decided to go to dinner instead of watching the speech, which was a freaking block from where he was staying!!! May the Lord protect us from this Mr. Obama and what is to come.

Many of you hate Mr. President George W. Bush because of his eight years of lying, stealing, and murder for profit; all veiled by a veneer of arrogant folksiness, mean-spirited fundamentalist thinking, and clever "reinterpretation" of domestic and international laws combined with a complete lack of oversight, and no accountabilty. Well you people are so stupid that you have lost any ability to be objective.

But remember that Bush did everything with integrity. And he also talked to God. Because God talks to a dry-drunk who abused small animals as a child and tortured fellow students by branding them with a red hot coat hanger.

I want to thank Mr. President George W. Bush for all of the entertainment that he has provided me, from the tap dancing, to the not figuring out how to open the door in China, to the weird dancing with those Africans to the getting shoes thrown at you, not to mention all of the hilarious things that he keeps saying.

And CNN would like to thank you. Without the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, gitmo, the collapse of the economy, the flaccid response to Hurricane Katrina, the warrantless wiretaps, and the collapse of social security, there would be no news. Except on FOX news where they would still be talking about how great Bush is.

Just look at the great wishes that one lady has for Mr. President George W. Bush:

Don't go back to Texas. Texas is too good for you. Buy a ticket to the Netherlands, and turn yourself in to the Hague for prosecution as the bloodthirsty tyrannical war criminal you are.

And another one said:

I hope you live FOREVER Bush, so that you can see just how much the world hates you, and watch every evil act you did undone. You should live to see every history book in the world curse your name, and hear from every mountain top and low valley of America a chorus of condemnation that you were the worst person ever to have held the Presidency. I want you to watch as every one of the crimes you committed in secret are revealed, one by one, to the world and to a shocked American public, so that you can hear yourself cursed, and see your effigy burn, over and over and over again.

I want you to feel the hate of the American people you betrayed burn in your stomach, and smell the stench of your fettered corruption as it rots away. So that many decades from now, when you finally lie on your deathbed as a feeble, shriveled corpse, the last breath escaping from your wrinkled lips, you will know that your entire life on this planet was a waste, that you will be remembered only with hate, and that in the next life, you will burn in hell for what you have done.

It Only Took One Dick To Screw The Entire Nation

2009-01-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

It's time for George W. Bush to head home. He only has two weeks left in office, and then

He's going to Texas without His Dick.

Because he's leaving His Dick behind in Washington.

And this is a major change because he always thinks with His Dick.

His Dick had a lot of experiences.

And His Dick has put him in a lot of weird positions.

And His Dick also has been the source of laughter and embarrasment.

Like the time that His Dick shot someone in the face.

So after this many years I don't think that his wife will miss His Dick.

And it's probably for the better since His Dick is really an asshole.

And of course, Obama doesn't have a Dick.

Dust Is Mud With The Juice Squeezed Out

2009-01-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

I spent a long long time telling you how bad Barack Hussein Obama was. I called him black. I called him white. I called him a racist. I called him an elitist. I called him a terrorist. I called him Sadaam Hussein's nephew. I said that he ate shit and wiped his ass with sandpaper.

And today I looked at the calendar and I saw that it is already January 2009 and that he will take over in two weeks.

So I decided that I would give him two weeks of peace. Well, more like four weeks, since I haven't written anything in the last two weeks.

Well, he might not get that long. He's going to do something stupid. Actually, I heard today that some terrorists said that they are carrying out these attacks just because of Obama. But I can't find the article, so I won't mention it.

What does this have to do with the title of this post? Absolutely nothing.

My Predictions For 2009

2009-01-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

This is going to be one shitty year. There will be more unemployed people than you can shake a retarded baby at. Which is why he is retarded by the way...

Anyways, speaking of the Palin's, they have faded back into non-existance, until we suddenly need another pile of mavericks, you betchas, and shopping sprees. But I will mention that one of her slut daughters just gave birth to her own bundle of joy. I still can't understand why she didn't get an abortion. And why her mother didn't get an abortion...or six. And they are going to name the baby after a kitchen appliance. They should've called him Joe The Baby.

So my prediction is that this year will suck. Every single American corporation go broke because nobody wants to buy its crap. And then every single CEO will end up going to jail for spending corporate funds on diamonds. And you will all lose your jobs.

And nobody will be able to fix it. Not Barack Obama. Not even me. And I've fixed a lot of things. I made General Motors profitable, I got the British to make a watchable television show that had more than three episodes, I painted a portrait that makes the Mona Lisa look like a piece of toilet paper, and I've even cured cancer, herpes simplex, and gayness.

Shoes of Mass Destruction

2008-12-16T20:13:00.000-08:00

There are too many people bitching about Obama being (s0mewhat) black and Muslim. But we have more serious things to discuss here.

Bush almost got assassinated again. The last time, they threw a grenade at him but it didn't go off (they always forget to tell us about this). But he swerved and missed the shoe. The last time he dodged something this good, it was the Vietnam draft.

You know what would've been good? If Bush picked up the shoes and threw them back! That is what I would've done.

I think that Bush needs to review his security detail though. The secret service didn't jump in front of the second shoe! Aren't these people supposed to dodge bullets for him?

They talked to the journalist who threw the shoe about his motivation. He said that he looked down at the shoe and it said "Just do it". They are still talking to him to see who made him become a Shoe-icide bomber. And they want to know if he is a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. When will they learn that we need Shoe Control! This guy probably just walked into a Payless and they didn't even do a background check on him!

And now Sarah Palin really wants to be President. Free shoes! You betcha!

But seriously, Bush asked them not to arrest the guy. He calls the shoes being thrown at the most powerful man in the world signs of democracy. But the guy will be charged with attempted murder. That is, if he is even still alive.

On to other things; Sarah Palin's Church got burned down last week. Do you know who did it? Joe the Arsonist!

And Governor Schwarzenegger said that the budget crisis in California is getting worse. They may have to start selling Senate seats.

Welcome To My Hanging

2008-12-10T00:20:00.000-08:00

Today, Mr. Bush unveiled his Presidential Portrait. And he said "welcome to my hanging". I would make a joke here, but it writes itself.

Also, Barack Obama's Senate seat is for sale. It's still brand new because I don't think that he was doing any sitting over the last eighteen months.

And who is selling it? It's none other than Rod BLAGOJEVICH, who I've never heard of up until yesterday. It turns out that he is the governor of Illinois. He said that this f****** senate seat is worth a lot and that he isn't giving it away for nothing. And he said that if he gives the senate seat, he wants something big in return because he wants to make some money. So he hoped that he would pick somebody, and Obama would make him Secretary of Energy or Health And Human Services. Or at least get him a private sector job. Or he would appoint himself as Senator.

His consultants are telling him that he has to suck it up for two years and do nothing and give this motherf***** the President-elect his senator. F*** him. For nothing? F*** him. Well eventually he found guy to give it to but before I just give f****** Senate Candidate a
f******* Senate seat and I don’t get anything he needs a way to relieve his financial stress.

I Drink Milk For Breakfast Because OJ Will Kill You

2008-12-07T01:27:00.000-08:00

OJ got 33 years in prison for something. What did he do again? He tried to steal back his stolen stuff? Oh, and he also killed his wife and some other guy.

He figured if he could get away with murder, armed robbery would be a piece of cake! Isn't American something? You can kill two people and get away with it, but then another Court makes you pay the victim's family millions, and then you steal your own football jersey and you go away for life!

And really, who is to blame here? This time, it isn't Barack Hussein Obama, although I could probably come up with a reason as to why it would be him. But the real culprit here is Mr. Goldman. Mr. Goldman drove OJ Simpson over the edge. First he had to have a son that OJ killed. And then he had to sue OJ for killing his son. And then he took away OJs book about how he would have killed them (without admitting that he killed them). And now, OJ had no money left. He was driven over the edge, so he had to hold those guys up in a Vegas hotel room.

Some people are concerned that OJ will get his ass kicked in a Nevada jail. But I think that he will do just fine. He will be running the prison in no time. So in tribute, here are some OJ jokes:

-So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed.

-The new slogan for Las Vegas is "Whatever happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas". Actually, Las Vegas is now changing its slogan to 'Las Vegas: No One Leaves This Room Motherf-----.'

-O.J. Simpson said he was in Vegas with some golf buddies for a wedding, and one of the guys just happened to have a gun. Really? Who goes golfing with a gun? ... Robert Blake? And second of all, who invites O.J. to their wedding?

-O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now.

- He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there's no way he committed the crime because it's not murdery enough.

-How do you find O.J. on the Internet?

Type : slash...backslash...backslash...backslash...escape

-After the jury announced that O.J. was Not Guilty, the first thing he said was, Give me my hat and gloves, I'm out of here!

-What does O.J. have in common with a box of fireworks? They both kill people, but we let them off anyway!

-What is the slogan of OJ's new limo service? We'll get you to the airport with time to kill.

-O.J. [Simpson] was involved in a robbery at a Las Vegas casino. ... He was at The Palms, which is the same hotel where Britney Spears sang in the MTV Awards. That makes two failed comebacks in the same week

You All Suck

2008-12-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

Last week I told you that you needed to go and buy the shit out of everything. And instead, we are now in a recession. Those eight Wal-Mart employees got trampled to death for nothing.

So that is another thing that I should bring up. Why the hell did you people kill those Wal-Mart employees? In Rhode Island, there were all of these fat bitches lining up in front of the Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. And Cletus the security guard was behind the door. And all of those fat bitches were lining up to save 40 cents on a roll of made-in-China lead-filled toilet paper. So they broke the door and trampled the security guard.

Cletus the security guard died. And all those shoppers saved money, and then they walked all over him on the way out.

But now the family of Cletus the security guard will sue Wal-Mart for $5 million and this will be the best Christmas they ever had. They will always remember him because they will put his picture on top of their new 52" high definition plasma television. You know, I hope that they get their settlement paid in Wal-Mart merchandise.

And who the hell are all of these useless people that are so desperate as to line up in front of Wal-Mart? If we blew up the Wal-Mart, nobody would notice. And they wouldn't leave anything behind either. So Wal-Mart has come out with a new solution: in the city where I live, two of the Wal-Marts are open 24/7.

It's like we can't have enough cheap plastic shit that will end up in the dump within a week. And why the hell is that? It's because I told you that you needed to go and buy the shit out of everything. I should have clairified. You should go and buy the shit out of everything that is not on sale.

More Breaking Freaking News

2008-11-25T21:55:00.001-08:00

Barack Hussein Obama has just appointed Monica Lewinsky to be Secretary of Blowjobs. She will mostly service Hillary Clinton.

Are you feeling the crunch of the crippling economy? Well, are you? Because American CEOs everywhere are. They are BEGGING for money. In fact, if the $700 billion wasn't enough, now it's looking like $7 TRILLION.

A whole bunch of CEOs decided to steal all the money, so their companies had to lay you off, and at the same time, those companies stopped advertising all the shitty products that they made. So on Thursday, you and your family are going to eat canned turkey for Thanksgiving. And then you aren't going to go shopping on Black Friday. And then on Monday the CEOs will whine about how you, yes you, are to blame for the low sales. And they are going to be forced to beg again. That's right; Congress hasn't bailed out the retail industry yet.

So this weekend, you must outspend the shit out of everybody you know. You must do it for yourself. You must do it for your country. And above all else, you must do it for some fat CEO. The man's got dignity. Don't make him come down to your level and have to beg.

Bastards Sue McDonalds

2008-11-24T00:26:00.000-08:00

Some bastard and his wife are suing McDonalds because - get this - naked pictures of them ended up on the Internet!

The idiot and his wife took pictures of each other on their cell phone. And then they forgot it at McDonalds. So now it's McDonalds problem. Idiots.

It seems like you can get money from McDonalds for anything. I'm going over there right now to choke on a napkin.

I have to tell you that this is all Barack Hussein Obama's fault. He holds the kind of bullshit attitude that you should get everything handed to you and that somebody else is to blame for everything - even your own stupidity. And he's a lawyer.

Whatever Losers

2008-11-23T00:03:00.000-08:00

Kenny Short said "Obama will destroy this country. He will change this and that and because of that all the small business will be destroyed. The recent presidential election shows what I have thought to be true for along time, there are a lot of stupid people out there."

I agree. Bush made all of the big businesses like GM, United Airlines, and Dell into small businesses. They're all losing money. And they're all laying off 95% of their employees. So Barack Obama (notice that I didn't use his degrading middle name, Hussein) might as well finish the job.

And yes, who thought that Barack Obama would get elected? I mean, all he did was smooth talk his hope and light and vision into the hearts of every single American, and then promise to solve all of their problems. There's just one problem: he doesn't even know what the hell he's talking about. The system is a failure, and you can't dismantle the system. And even if you could, you don't have the money.

America tried to prove itself unracist (if such a word even exists), by electing Barack Obama, a (half) black man, and a muslim. Hell, for all you haters out there, Barack HUSSEIN Obama is more muslim than black! He's only half black, if even that much. But all of you decided to prove to yourselves that you aren't racist. So you voted for the idiot.

Really though, this election was screwed from the get-go. Once they got rid of Hillary, there were no good candidates left. You had Obama. You had $400-haircut Edwards. You had senile, shit-his-pants John McCain. You had 14-wife-having Mormon Mitt Romney. And you had fanatical Christian screwed-up-name Huckabee. All of them were going to do a shitty job.

Let me tell you something. Obama plans to tax the living hell out of rich people. John McCain keeps saying that rich people need less taxes so that they can invest money into jobs. But the real reason that John McCain doesn't want to tax the rich is because they make a shit load of money and don't pay any taxes anyways. This is something that you can only learn with experience. So under an Obama administration, the middle-class will pay less taxes, and the rich will pay no taxes. But they'll be so offended that Obama tried to tax them that they'll move their money to China or Iran. And then Obama will try dismantle the entire US for-profit healthcare system in order to give everybody free healthcare even though he has no money because he hasn't collected a dime in taxes.

He's Not President Yet

2008-11-18T21:05:00.001-08:00

Before I start, I want to tell all of you haters to go to hell. This is my blog and I can post whatever the hell I want. And also, I'm not Australian. I don't have an Australian sense of humor. I don't ride around in a kangaroo. I don't know what the hell a dingo is. And I don't talk like a freak.

He's not even the freaking president yet, and already, Barack Hussein Obama is changing shit everywhere. For instance, today he posted his weekly radio address on YouTube. Now we can add "post this to 6 videos within the next day or your mother will die" to his weekly radio address. Oops, his mother is dead. I guess that shit works.

And today he appointed some black guy to serve as attorney general. Who is he? I don't know anything about him, except for the following three facts:
-he's black
-he's a lawyer
-he's a black lawyer

So he fits all of the criteria to be a Barack Hussein Obama. If that's not dirty scum, I don't know what the hell is.

Oh, wait, I found some more dirt. It turns out that he's not a Barack Hussein Obama. But he was the lawyer for Chiquita. And he tried to get them out of trouble from when they paid Colombian terrorists protection money so that they could pick their bananas in peace. And he didn't do a very good job either; Chiquita had to pay $25 million and civil suits (which could spell the end of the company) are still pending.

But onto serious issues. The President would like to tell you that the economy is the greatest thing ever and it made America the greatest power ever because it brought us the Internets and the iPod. It's the powerhouse that lets a husband and wife to start their own business or an immigrant to open a new restaurant. It also allows a 20-something derivatives trader to make a $30 million commission pushing imaginary money from one unregulated house-of-cards to another in the process of bankrupting millions of people who actually work for a living.

Happy Birthday

2008-11-14T09:13:00.001-08:00

Contrary to all of the crap and bullshit that I've said, here are some actual quotes from Barack Hussein Obama:

"I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for President."

"I share the politics of Alfred E. Smith and the ears of Alfred E. Neumann."

"Can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek Columns that I requested?"

"Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jorel to save the Planet Earth."

"Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'that one'."

"Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome. "

"First of all, my middle name is not what you think. It's actually Steve. That's right. Barack Steve Obama. "

Let it be known that this blog has heard everything that Barack Hussein Obama has said and that it will hold him accountable throughout his four year term (assuming he even makes it to the end!). Nothing, not his race, nor his religion, nor the color of his skin, nor his continued association with America-haters, will be off limits. This blog is not afraid of you and it is not afraid of public opinion.

On an unrelated note, I would like to wish Prince Charles a happy 60th birthday (hence the title of this post). I swear, he doesn't look a day over 100.

I sincerely hope that he becomes Queen, because that would mean that Queen Elizabeth is dead.

"President" Obama

2008-11-12T00:18:00.001-08:00

Well, he may have won the election, but Obama still has to survive until inauguration day. So you will all shut up until then.

By the way, I don't know why you sheep are all so proud of a black president. I mean, Zimbabwe, Ethiopia, Somalia, and Kenya all have black presidents. It's no big deal to them!

Seriously though, it will only be a short while until he manages to screw everything up beyond belief. He will tax the shit out of the rich, the semi-rich, the people who pretend to be rich, the middle-class, and the wiggers. They will take their money elsewhere. And nobody will let him dismantle the corrupt, poor-people-eating system we are proud to call capitalism. His own party will eat him alive within two years, and all of you voters will get nothing.

Now maybe you will insist that he is better than Sarah Palin.

Journalists are now reporting that she threw temper-tantrums each morning after reading press clippings.

And she thought that Africa was a country.

And she didn't know how the government worked.

But now she has been tagged and released back into Alaska. Some of you thought that she would get a book-deal out of this (she can't read), while others believe that she will get a talk-show (she can't talk either!). But based on the size of offspring, I know one thing that she must be good at. Sarah Palin has been offered $2 million to star in a porn movie. And if her loser husband co-stars, they will give him a snow mobile!

Breaking Freaking News

2008-10-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier, I reported that terrorist-name-sharing Barack Hussein Obama was a Muslim and a terrorist. Well, it has been discovered that he also a COMMUNIST. That's right, a filthy, evil, pinko commie!

And he wants to make America into a communist nation. It's quite obvious that he's a communist now. Just take a look at the overwhelming evidence:

-He has a cult of personality. Wherever you go, you see his face and that toothy grin. If that doesn't resemble Stalin, I don't know what does.

-He keeps running 30-minute long propaganda ads on television. They had to delay the World Series so that he could say some crap that we've already heard a thousand times by now.

-He keeps bringing up the message of hope and the future and how somehow it will all get better.

-He wants to spread the wealth and destroy social classes. Everybody will get a handout. Everybody will have rights.

-People keep getting arrested for trying to kill him. It's like he has secret police surrounding him all the time. How many people have tried to kill John McCain?

Only A Few More Days

2008-10-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

The election is approaching. I can tell because they are already campaigning for 2012.

With only 1 week left until showtime, the candidates are gearing up with the worst crap I've ever seen.

McCain tried to grab Obama's ass and called his foreign policy experience "shorter than a cunt hair".

And then there was that arguing between the two about spending. The McCain campaign bought Sarah Palin $150,000 worth of designer clothes to make her look like one of the people (only nicer). And the Obama campaign keeps buying Obama $1500 suits. If they are spending so much money, why don't they get Joe Biden to take a shower? And why don't they get Obama plastic surgery so he doesn't look like an ape? I mean, come on, do you really think that America is going to elect a monkey as President? Oh, wait, they did already. Never mind.

But the important thing is that you don't judge these candidates by their choice of clothes. You judge them by what's under their clothes. Wait, I have to vomit, I just pictured John McCain naked.

If we are to judge them by their $500 shoes then its going to be tough. But do the clothes really matter? Bush dressed like a redneck until he got to the White House. But now he wears tailored suits, except when he is relaxing, when he is dressed like a redneck with a French tailor.

So the important thing is what they are wearing at 3AM when the telephone rings. They're all going to be in their underwear. At least, that old fart McCain will have gotten up at 3AM to pee anyways. Obama will still be asleep.

And why the hell does the crisis have to be at 3AM? Because Russia will attack us at 3AM? Let me tell you something; Russia has 11 time zones. If I were Russia, I would attack during the day when everybody would see it. The Russians have a habit of making things obvious.

What's the Difference?

2008-10-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded!

Some Questions

2008-10-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

There is only one more mudfight...er...presidential debate before America decides if it wants the sleazy, terrorist-loving, wet-behind-the-ears, smooth-talking black dog or the senile, murderous, war-mongering, bullshit-filled white dog. American television completely screwed up the last two debates. They couldn't ask any tough questions. They couldn't even come close. And they were certainly afraid of calling either of the candidates liars. And don't even get me started on the VP debate. That bitch Sarah Palin couldn't even come up with a single
complete sentence and everybody says that she won!

So, I have compiled a list of questions for John McCain and barack HUSSEIN obama

Obama:

1. With the economy in shambles, our military stuck in Iraq, crime running rampant, and massive unemployment everywhere, why the hell would you want to be president?

2. If a drug lord offers you drug money to build a hospital and provide healthcare to your citizens, you face an important ethical question. Do you take the money and put it in your freezer, or do you put it in a hole in your backyard?

3. What kind of presidential limo will you have? Would you prefer a Rolls-Royce over the current Cadillac? Does this mean that you support import vehicles over domestic vehicles? Why do you want to take jobs away from Americans? And do you think that you're too good for a Cadillac? Are you an elitist?

On another note, does anybody want you dead? If yes, who? And if not, then why not? Obviously, you haven't accomplished enough.

4. You talk about green ideas. People don't like green ideas. And more importantly, the oil companies don't like green ideas either. How do you expect to create millions of green jobs if nobody wants to buy green. Seriously, America only understand two types of green - you are green, and they don't have enough green to pay the bills. How do you expect to resolve both of these problems?

5. Considering that your wife looks like a monkey, are you like to cheat on her in the future? Are you going to cheat on her with a monkey?

6. Why do you believe in hope? Are you on drugs? Did you do drugs in college, and if so, please do tell? Do you think that America would be better off if it were on drugs, and do you think that it would make your ideas more believable?

7. Your running mate looks like he hasn't showered in years. So we expect him to do well in diplomatic talks with the French. Would you ask him to stop brushing his teeth, so that we can have better relations with the British?

8. Will you remove your middle name, Hussein? If you say that you aren't a Muslim, why do you insist on keeping a Muslim name? Are you unsure?

9. Many people in your party say that they are "tired of the last eight years". Are you tired of the last eight years? I mean, before the last eight years, you were a nobody. Nobody knew your name. You didn't even have a job or a decent house. But in the last eight years, you have written two bestsellers, and you are employed as a US Senator.

Do you think that your success in the last eight years is the result of George W. Bush's policies, or do you think that it is the result of your hard work?

If you think it is the result of your hard work, then why don't you tell all of the other Americans to get to move their asses in order to improve their conditions instead of waiting for hope and dreams and government handouts?

10. Do you want to add anything? Why do you hate America? Why do you have relations with terrorists that span four decades? Are you a terrorist lover, or are you an undercover CIA agent and can't disclose it? If you know that Fox News is going to take quotes out of context and continue to call you a terrorist, then why don't you fight back?

Why don't you air a video of John McCain shitting his pants?

McCain:

1. With the economy in shambles, our military stuck in Iraq, crime running rampant, and massive unemployment everywhere, why the hell would you want to be president?

2. Do you approve of water-boarding, or do you think that electrodes to the testicles is more effective?

3. When George W. Bush was asked, "what kind of president are you?", he replied, "I'm a war president". What kind of president would you be? A war president too? Or a geriatric president? Do you even remember the beginning of this question?

4. Are you actually alive? Your skin is so white, it's almost like there is no blood flowing in your body. If there's no blood in your body, it's probably because you don't have a heart...That would explain why Dick Cheney is so white. His heart's made in China.

5. Do you think that Obama's wife looks like a monkey? Do you want to change your position on evolution?

6. Which of your thirteen houses do you like the most? Do you plan on taking as many vacations as the current president? Will you have press conferences there just to look cool? It's not like you can pull up to a crowd of reporters in a pick-up truck.

Do you think that any of your thirteen houses contribute to global warming? Your dumb bitch running mate said that she doesn't know what is causing global warming, but it doesn't really matter.

7. Your dumb bitch running mate doesn't even know the names of any newspapers. How do you expect her to respond to criticism? Do you think that she would bring her retarded baby or her pregnant daughter along to a meeting with a foreign dictator? Do you think that she would breastfeed her retarded baby during the meeting with the foreign dictator? Do you think that her pregnant daughter would breastfeed her baby while her mom breastfeeds her retarded baby during the meeting with the foreign dictator?

8. Given your answer to the above question, do you think that it would be a good idea to lock Sarah Palin in a cage if she becomes VP? What if you die and she becomes the President? Well, in all fairness, you wouldn't be alive to care. So you don't have to answer that question. But then, I assume that you already thought of that. So here is another question. You know that you are going to be dead soon, and your dumb bitch running mate will have to take over, and she will bring upon the end of America. So why in God's name did you pick her? Is it because you hate America? Why do you hate America?

9. Do you hate Barack Hussein Obama? Or do you just hate the color of his skin? Or do you just hate is name? Or do you just hate the fact that some people believe that he's a Muslim? What do you hate about him the most? I know that you keep saying that you don't hate him, and if this is the case, why don't you just quit now and endorse his bid for presidency?

10. Seriously, on a scale from 1 to 17, where one is incredibly dumb, and where seventeen is smart enough to design a nuclear bomb in your head, how dumb do you think your supporters are? Why do they support you and your dumb bitch running mate?

11. I promised you ten questions, but if you can lie to me a hundred times tonight, I can lie to you once. I previously asked you about breast feeding. What would be worse? Your VP's retarded baby shitting his pants all over a treaty while she signs it, or you falling asleep and having urinary incontinence in the middle of The State of the Union address?

That Bitch Sarah Palin

2008-10-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

Just take a look at these campaign ads. Fiesty:

Next week, we are going to rip Obama some more.

So for now, I will say whatever I want about that bitch Sarah Palin. It seems like in every speech, she's like "Who is Barack Hussein Obama?" and "Does anybody know who he is?" "Does the media know who he is?"

Well, if you picked up a newspaper you bitch, you'd know that he's the guy who's kicking your ass by 10 points. Seriously, the bitch couldn't even name a newspaper. She said that she reads all of the newspapers that are in front of her.

Then later she says, she doesn't know who Barack Obama is. Well, she doesn't know who Kim Jong (mentally) Il, Gordon Brown, Hugo Chavez, Vladimir Putin, and Osama bin Laden are either.

And now the legislative panel in Alaska decided that she didn't break the law in Troopergate, so she's not going to jail. That's a pity. It would've been the first time she's been involved in a complete sentence. Drumroll.

Sarah Palin said that the government needs more power. More power? The VP shot a guy in the face and didn't even get arrested. You can't get more powerful than that.

Speaking of which, George W. Bush was meeting with "small business owners" this week, in order to resolve the economic crisis. You know, General Motors, General Electric, Ford - they're all small businesses now!

A new poll shows that only one in five Americans approve of the job that George W. Bush is doing. One in Five! That means that he's eating dinner with his wife and daughters, and his dog Barney's the only one at the table who thinks he's doing a good job.

What The Hell!

2008-10-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

Above is the national debt clock in New York. It ran out of digits today.

Here is a digit for you:

I can't believe that we have gotten to this point. This is a disaster beyond belief. The Dow Jones is below 9000 points. GM is worth less than it was in 1929.

I thought that the $700 billion was going to help. It hasn't done shit!

$700 billion could buy a years supply of gasoline for every American.

$700 billion could pay the income tax of every American who makes $500,000 or less a year.

$700 billion could fully fund the Departments of Defense, Education, State, Interior, Treasury, and NASA.

$700 billion could buy every single NFL, NBA, and MLB team and build each one a new stadium, and pay each player $191 million apiece for a year.

$700 billion could buy the Netherlands.

$700 billion could buy every person in the world a Coke a week for a whole year.

$700 billion could buy a 60-inch plasma TV for every person in America.

$700 billion could buy everone in Africa 500 pounds of rice.

$700 billion could buy an island for every person in South Dakota.

But $700 billion couldn't fix the economy. No, $700 billion couldn't even prevent the stock market from falling to a low that nobody has seen before.

To show you how bad it has gotten, look at it like this. When all the banks collapsed, the market barely fell. The market didn't crash until AFTER the government passed a "plan" to "fix" the problem!

That Bitch Sarah Palin Is Too Real

2008-10-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

Seriously, we have a freaking problem.

We have Barack Hussein Obama. And he's one of you. And his wife talks about struggling to raise her kids on a measly $350,000 a year salary.

And then Time magazine puts Barack Hussein Obama on the cover, where he looks like a real person. And he has blemishes and pores on his face. And his teeth aren't perfectly white. I mean, he looks, dare I say it, human!

And if that isn't bad enough, they put pictures of him inside the magazine. And one of the pictures shows that his shoes are worn on the bottom. And another picture shows sweat stains under his armpits.

And then everybody writes into Time complaining about this vast left-wing bias. How dare Time magazine show Barack Hussein Obama as a real person? How dare they favor a Democrat by showing him as a human, while John McCain is portrayed as just another old politician?

So now we get it. If you look human, then it is good. Isn't it? Because John McCain doesn't look human. He looks like his skin has already decomposed and there are maggots eating him on the inside.

Out of nowhere comes that bitch Sarah Palin. And she says that she's human too. Actually, she says that she's one of us. Us meaning raw-fish-eating, meth-manufacturing, pedophile Alaskans.

So if she's one of us, and we're humans, then that makes her a human too? So Newsweek puts her on the cover. And they put her on the cover, and not an airbrushed touched-up version of her.

But all of a sudden, that is the biggest insult in the world. The only thing worse than making Barack Obama look human is to make Sarah Palin look human. Republicans are up in arms. They are screaming. They are swearing. The 3 of them who know how to read are boycotting Newsweek .

How dare Newsweek put a human looking Sarah Palin on the cover? She has pores. She has wrinkes. To put one Republican, "they showed her with imperfections on her face that all humans have".

So make up your freaking mind already.

Religilous

2008-10-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't made an offensive post in almost a week. So here goes.

Bill Maher's movie Religilous was released last Friday. He says that he made the movie because he is "looking for answers". I say he's just looking for money.

So, as a public service to you, I am going to summarize Scientology.

Scientology:

Zenith (which is also a company that makes television sets) brought humans to earth 75 million years ago, stacked us around volcanoes and blew them up with an H-bomb. If they have an H-bomb, why the hell did they need volcanoes?

And there something called The Galactic Confederacy and it lasted 80 trillion years.

You have to rid your soul of these things called Thetans, which are evil souls implanted into you by extra-terrestrial dictators. It's like something that came out of a Stargate episode.

And that is basically it. Everybody has Thetans in their soul, and they run around trying to get rid of them.

Or maybe its just a way for rich celebrities to get away without paying any taxes. They "donate" all of their money to the "Church" of Scientology, and get a tax break. And the "Church" spends all of the money on its "followers", and because it is a "Church", it doesn't have to pay any taxes. And anybody who says anything critical of the "Church" gets sued.

Speaking of cyborg space aliens, Sarah Palin had another interview with Katie Couric. I swear, that bitch gets dumber and dumber.

Couric: When it comes to establishing your world view, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read?

Palin: I've read most of them. All of them. Any of them that have been in front of me all these years.

Couric: What causes global warming?

Palin: It doesn't matter what caused it. It's clear that it is real, and something must be done.

Couric: If a 15 year old is raped by her father, should it be illegal for her to get an abortion?

Palin: I would personally counsel that person.

She reads every newspaper that is placed in front of her? Well, that is truly wonderful. Its perfect training for VP, where you sign everything that is placed in front of you. Seriously, though, she probably hasn't read a single thing in her life.

And here is what Sarah Palin would say to you if you are a 15-year-old rape victim: "Tough break on getting raped. Picked out a name? Oh, and you owe me $100 for the rape victim kit."

It Passed

2008-10-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

In order to give away $700 billion in taxpayer money to cover for Wall Street's greed and incompetence, The House of Representatives needed another $150 billion in tax payers money.

And McCain couldn't make up his freaking mind. Here is what he said:

This is a tourniquet, not a cure. It's a tourniquetto stop the bleeding....The fundamentals of this package are good and strong....It shows the incredible influence of lobbyists....I think it will produce a profit....It's insanity and obsenity because its a waste of tax payers dollars....The tax payers will be paid back first which is an important provision of this bill....This is inside the Beltway cronyism of the worst kind....Its terrible and it really is corrupting. And I believe it will pass.

And some redneck Representative who voted against it said this:

This is a cowpatty with a marshmellow in the middle. And I'm not going to eat the cowpatty.

Although, to be fair, since he was a redneck, he was grossed out by the marshmellow in the middle.

That Bitch Sarah Palin

2008-10-02T23:14:00.001-07:00

That bitch Sarah Palin went up against Joe Biden. I don't even know what the point of that debate was. She would have been better off saying nothing at all. She didn't know what the hell she was talking about. All I heard was Maverick. I'm a Maverick. John McCain and I are Mavericks. You need to vote for the Mavericks. And we are here for change in Washington. And no more special interests.

Does that bitch even know what Maverick means?

And then if the bullshit phrases weren't enough, she started mixing crap with them. She said that Obama voted for tax increases 93 times. And then she said that as mayor of some little town in Alaska (which by the way has 6000 residents and 8000 meth labs), she removed personal property tax and store inventory tax. What the hell is a store inventory tax? And who the hell cares. It isn't like there is anything to tax.

And to top it all off Joe Biden almost cried. Why didn't that bitch almost cry? Isn't she the one who is supposed to be more human so that she can relate to people better? Oh, I forgot, Sarah Palin is the one who rips the heart out of a live moose, and makes the moose watch her eat it. And she also goes polar bear hunting from a helicopter.

And Congress failed. And then they couldn't pass a new bailout bill because of a Jewish holiday on Tuesday and Wednesday. How many Jews are there in Congress? There are more Jews on Wall Street, and I guaran-damn-tee you that they aren't taking a day off.

And doesn't Congress get enough days off as it is? They all vowed to stay in Washington until the shit gets fixed. But they aren't planning to actually go to work? Can anyone say brothel?

So what does the Senate do? They take the $700 billion bailout bill and turn it into an $800 billion bailout bill. They added $100 billion in pork-barrelled projects so that the House of Representatives could all have bridges named after themselves.

The stupidity is extraordinary. I thought that we were having problems with the bailout because we couldn't find $700 billion to fund it. Now we have to find $800 billion to fund it. Well, if they can print $700 billion, they can print $800 billion.

The Economy Is Strong

2008-10-01T23:40:00.002-07:00

They interrupted David Blane's Dive of Death to give us news of our economy's Dive of Death.

As Bush said, "This is an extraordinary period for America's economy" and I don't think he was being positive.

And then McCain suspended his campaign in order to race back to Washington and help out. Well, actually, he skipped his interview with Letterman, and ran to a different CBS building to do an interview with Katie Couric. And then he went to dinner in New York City. And then he went to sleep in a New York City hotel. And then he went to another New York City Hotel to give a speech at the Clinton Global Initiative Conference. And then he went to Washington. And they already reached an agreement.

Isn't he great? I mean, I don't know anybody else who can react so impulsively to something ten days old already.

And what the hell? It took 22 hours to get to Washington. He could have walked there in that time.

But they didn't really reach an agreement. It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos, except with real Hippos who eat poor people.

And why didn't it pass? Because of that bitch Nancy Pelosi calling Bush reckless and immature and unsupervised and unaccountable. You know, the usual.

And also because the Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson testified. his exact words:

"The American Tax Payer will get a good value for his money. I can't predict the future and I have been quite a few times now."

And this $700 billion is his freaking plan! And even he doesn't know if it will work.

And then there is that bitch Sarah Palin. Just look at what she said in her interview:

COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy
experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country,
Russia, and on our other side, the land-- boundary that we have with-- Canada.
It-- it's funny that a comment like that was-- kind of made to-- cari-- I don't
know, you know? Reporters--

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our-- our next door neighbors are foreign
countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia--

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the
Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We-- we do-- it's very important
when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his
head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where-- where
do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is-- from Alaska that
we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful
nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our
state.

Summary of Presidential Debate

2008-10-01T23:40:00.001-07:00

Summary of Presidential Debate:

McCain: I've been around a hell of a long time. I've been to Afghanistan, Iraq,

North Korea, Waziristan.

Obama: I'm for change.

McCain: Obama doesn't understand. He doesn't understand.

Obama: McCain is correct. He has correctly pointed out a lot of facts.

McCain: To close, I was in prison in Vietnam.

Obama: My dad is from Kenya.

Head of Skate

2008-09-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

Frankensteinian Treasury Secretary

2008-09-27T00:20:00.000-07:00

If you've been living in a cave for the last few weeks, then congratulations, because you've made the soundest real estate investment of all time.

So once again, Bin Laden wins1

As you know Congress wants to put $700 billion into banks many of whom have managers who make over $1 billion per year. I knew that the government planned to reward them for their stupidity and greed, but I never knew that the reward would be so great.

For those of you who make less than $700 billion a year, I would like to put it into perspective for you, because this plan is as American as apple pie and McDonalds. $700 billion can buy 2000 McDonalds apple pies for every single American. That is a lot of apple pies. You know what? They should just buy every American 2000 apple pies instead of bothering to fix the banks. By the time you've eaten 300 pies, you will forget that you have no home!

But this Frankensteinian Treasury Secretary has said that he needs the $700 billion to protect you. And he wants it under one condition - that what he does with it "is non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or administrative agency". And also, he gets to take your first born.

So Bush, in all his wisdom gave a speech. I don't know what the hell he was talking about, because like usual, he was confused. He said, I swear, that he was confused by the "inner links" in the financial system, and that the whole "house of cards" was bigger than he thought it was. You know that you're in trouble when the President calls the economy a house of cards like it's a good thing.

With gitmo, 9/11, the Iraq war, the firing of the US attorneys, the secret torture prisons, the warrantless wire tapping, the veto of the childrens health care bill, the tax cuts to US corporations, the Enron scandal, the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, the Walter Reed Veterals medical center, the Valerie Plame affair, allowing North Korea to acquire nukes, Blackwater, Hurricane Katrina & FEMA, Jack Abramoff, Mark Foley, and Social Security, I didn't think that there was anything left for them to screw up. I didn't think that there was anything left to decomplish. But once again, this administration has proven me wrong. This is truly the turd icing on their shit cake.

Sarah Palin for VP

2008-09-27T00:14:00.000-07:00

That bitch Sarah Palin went to New York to meet with idiots at the UN. She took a dog sled.

One of her meetings was with Hamid Karzai, ruler of Afghanistan. It turns out that Karzai had a baby. I don't even want to know how that took place. But his baby is named Munwarin or something like that. And Sarah Palin was probably like, "Eww, what a weird name." And then he would've been like "Look who's talking bitch; you're son is named Track."

And then Sarah Palin had a press conference which consisted of her yelling an answer to one question while running from the door to a waiting Suburban.

So the left-wing media is pissed that it doesn't have access to Sarah Palin. They insist that the Republican party is keeping their lipsticked bulldog on a short leash because they are afraid that she is delicate.

Delicate? The bitch tore the heart out of a moose and ate it in front of the moose!

So quit your whining. You have more access to her than you do to the current Vice
President who exists in some sort of virtual region between reality and the ghost
world. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you saw Dick Cheney?

And she already has a scandal and is refusing to testify. Hell, she was pregnant for 7 months without anybody finding out. If that isn't VP material, then I don't know what the hell is.

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Quit

2008-09-24T23:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I post some comments about Barack Hussein Obama being a Muslim, even though he is, and everybody freaks out.

But I post some comments about Sarah Palin and nobody even blinks.

This terrible left-wing bias.

But seriously, John McCain, the Maverick, The One With Honor, The American Hero, The War Veteran, The Walking Prune, The 78-Year-Old Bag of Gas, today announced that he is suspending his campaign.

He had always said, "I'd rather lose a political campaign than lose a war". Well, now he's going to lose both! And it has nothing to do with the war.

John McCain is suspending his campaign, because, I shit you not, the economy is a mess.

Let me see if I get this straight. He thinks that somehow, if he suspends his campaign, the economy will be fixed. I thought that the only way to fix the economy is to run for President and reverse the last eight years.

Then I figured out that John McCain has something up his sleeve. He is suspending his campaign because he is worried that the media will be paying more attention to the collapsed banks than to him. What an idiot; as if the media gives John McCain any attention.

And then I figured out what really happened. John McCain put all of his campaign money in Lehman Brothers, so with the screw-ups, there is no more money to campaign!

Vote Palin

2008-09-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

What do the economy and your mom have in common? They both went down on me. Also, the economy is fat and it should've taken the doctor's advice and not kept the baby.

There, now I have successfully offended both the Obama supporters and the McCain supporters with the same statement.

So without further ado, I have to tell you that you should vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin:

It doesn't really matter who you vote for. At least with Palin, you'll have a nice set of tits to look at while the country dies.

And she is completely qualified to be VP. Even a monkey can sign an X on whatever is in front of him without reading it.

And she's got a nice family and a nice husband, even though the little kid is a retard and the oldest one got knocked up by a wigger. If logic and common sense had any place in society, she would be an annoying lady whose husband cheated on her and drove her to alcohol and an early death.

And when she is done making a mess in the White House she'll write a book and become a correspondant for FOX News.

Speaking of which...Bush is almost done with his reign of terror. I can't wait to see what kind of book he's going to write.

I know, I know, everybody says that he will come up with a coloring book. But I disagree. The man can't find Iraq on a map - how good do you think he can draw?

bIraq Hussein O'commie

2008-09-22T00:46:00.000-07:00

Okay bitches, his new name is bIraq Hussein O'commie.

A lot of you have come here to whine about my statements last week. And I would like to say that I am sorry. I am sorry that you are so stupid that you actually like Barack Hussein Obama. And a lot of you have come to complain about other things. Well, they are all the result of Barack Hussein Obama.

But right now, there are very serious issues that have nothing to do with that terrorist running for President. Such as the complete failure of the investment banks. Late Sunday night, the Fed made Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley disappear. I thought that this shit storm was over already.

Now the US government owns all of the banks. Isn't that communism? It's really no surprise. Did you really see it any other way? The Bush administration is practically the most anti-Communist government in the world. Except for the warrantless wiretaps, the fact that they can see what library books you take out, the fact that they detain people in secret prisons that don't exist, the constant use of torture, the constant blaming of enemies as the cause of America's problems, they are the most anti-Communist government in the world.

This whole shit hole that Bush has gotten us into isn't his fault at all. In fact, its ingenious! This is exactly the mess that Obama will have pulled American into. So Bush, in his infinite wisdom has already done the screwing up for him so that another Republican can come and fix it later!

Not Only Is Obama A Muslim, He's Also A Terrorist!

2008-09-18T23:42:00.001-07:00

All of you people have been calling me a loser and a stupid person and an idiot and a moron. And many more of you have e-mailed me to tell me about how racist and ignorant I am.

I have said all along that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. It's so obvious. He's black. And his middle name is Hussein. And his dad was Muslim for a few months.

And he called Sarah Palin a pig. Everybody knows that Muslims think that pigs are filthy! Why else would he call her a pig? If he wasn't a Muslim he would have called her a monster or a troll or something else. But only a Muslim would have called her a pig!

And all the evidence to the contrary is weak. Just because Obama says that he is Christian doesn't make it so. And just because Obama attended the same Church for 25 years doesn't make him a Christian either.

And I have now shockingly discovered that Obama is also a terrorist. His middle name is Hussein, and that is the same last name as Sadaam Hussein. That makes Sadaam Hussein Obama's uncle. And if your uncle is a terrorist, so are you. The logic is flawless.

So all you haters can chew on that.

So Canada is having it's own federal election eh?

2008-09-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

How cute.

Nevermind the fact that it will take all of 6 weeks to complete, a mere couple of hours to count the ballots and disclose the results.

What, this piddly little so-called "nation" to the north of the big bad Eagle thinks they are showing anyone up? Yeah, so what if in the USA it takes them a full year (or is it two?) to decide who's even running for president and then another three months to "campaign" (as in dig up dirt and sling a nice even mix of mud and poo at the other side) before it's time to actually go to the polls. Then finally it's election time, at which point the votes will be counted and the winner declared based on...wait, NOT the popular vote but via the indirect method of voting called the electoral college. Rather than directly voting for the President and Vice President, U.S. citizens cast votes for electors. Electors are technically free to vote for anyone eligible to be President, but in practice pledge to vote for specific candidates.

Much superior way of electing one's leaders than this silly Canadian "six week campaign plus the 1-2 hour bush league way of tallying to figure out who has the most votes" thing. PFFT! Probably only costs 1/1000th of what a typical US election costs. Canadians, I tell you.

Anyway it seems there's a [tee hee] little story in this election in Canada. Apparently their version of the Conservative party won a minority government last time, and has called this election in order to try and win a majority. The Libs have a new front man, some guy named Stephane Dion that nobody likes, and there's another party called the "New Democrats" (who never win) led by Jack Layton. Um...what did they do to the old democrats? Nevermind, you don't want to know. What's important, in a small mickey mouse kind of way, is that these three are about to square off along with a handful of also-ran parties like the "Green" party (lol) and a few others no one can remember until they see them on the ballot. Why would any country need more than two parties? Silly silly Canadians.

Will it be that this Steven Harper guy (the current Prime Minister) gets his majority, or is he dreaming and just wasting taxpayer's money only to get the same minority handed back to him? (effectively telling him that Canada has SOME confidence in him, but not THAT much) Time will tell.

Anyway, while those crazy canucks sit up in their igloos and laugh at the convoluted long-winded pompous way the US drags out their year of endless campaigning, conventioning, media-circusing etc, those in the US (the ones who realize Canada even has elections) are having a good chuckle at the cute Canadians who are again doing the monkey see - monkey do thing that they always do. "We have an election, they have to have an election"... lol.

Watch, pretty soon now they'll even be having their Thanksgiving, a month before the US does, and even THAT they copied.

Bastards!

If they didn't squawk about it on message boards no one would even know they were even having an election up there. Isn't the tundra too frozen, how do they put up yard signs?

God bless Americah, 'n Canada too.

Idiot Bitch & Bailout

2008-09-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

First of all, for that idiot bitch who posted a comment on my previous post, I know that Barack Hussein Obama isn't a Muslim anymore. And I'm not a racist. I just happen to hate black people.

But seriously, on to more important issues.

The Federal Reserve doesn't know what the hell it is doing. As I said, running a bank is the easiest job in the world. In a normal business, people give you a little bit of money, and you give them back stuff. In a bank, people give you all of their money, and you give them back absolutely nothing.

Yet the banks completely screw up the simplest task in the world. And when they do, the Fed gives them billions of dollars. So the Fed said NO MORE REWARD to Lehman Bros Bank yesterday. Because if we keep giving banks money, they will just keep screwing up.

And then tonight, they completely changed their mind and decided to give AIG bank $80 billion. Apparently this bank is different, because if it collapses, it will make all of the other banks collapse, because it owes them money too. You see, if a bank lends you money and you never pay them back, they don't consider it a loss until you die or go bankrupt. So all of these banks make profits because they assume that you will give them the money back.

Lipstick On A Pig

2008-09-15T23:33:00.001-07:00

There is a lot of this crap going around, with Barack Hussein Obama saying that line, so I just had to post this picture.

And another thing. For that guy who called me an idiot, Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. And to prove it, just look at what Sarah Palin said:

"He can say he is a christian but as far as I'm concerned, Obama is a muslim, look a this middle name"

And here are some other things that she said:

"Here in Alaska, we don't have hardly any black people, I never talk to them, so I was surprised that a black girl beat me in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant"(1988)

"I don't know a lot about Iran, I just heard that they are bad people"(2006)

"I don't believe in interracial relationships, I was born in Idaho and raised to believe that whites and blacks shouldn't mix or date each other" (1986)

The Most Powerful People In The World

2008-09-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

Vanity Fair decided on which people are the most powerful in the world.

And like usual, they came out with bullshit that I don't agree with.

Let me tell you something. Today, the stock market vomited. It lost a good chunk of its value, and some people lost a good chunk of their life savings. And it was all caused by idiots. Those idiots are the most powerful people in the world.

But instead, here is who they chose:
-Putin
-Rupert Murdoch
-Google folks
-Apple folks
-Warren Buffet
-Amazon.com folks
-Ruler of Dubai
-A guy I've never heard of
-Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
-Al Gore
-Bill Clinton
-And the other 90 people are the heads of movie and television studios like Sumner Redstone, Philippe Dauman, Robert Iger, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Leslie Moonves, and Howard Stringer.

Really? These are the most powerful people in the whole world?. Vanity Fair has a lot of nerve coming out with a bullshit list like this. If I haven't even heard of you, how the hell can you be the most powerful person in the world.

And how much "power" does a movie studio head have exactly? The worst thing he could do is release a political movie. And if it sucks, he'll be out of a job, and then how much power will he have?

And why is Putin at the top of the list, but George W. Bush nowhere to be found? There is no doubt that Putin is a tough guy. He's a former KGB officer. He spent $10 million on a sliver of chemical to kill a guy who he didn't like. And last month, he shot a bear. That man is a psycho. But then again, Dick Cheney shot a person. Well, sort of - he shot a lawyer.

I heard somebody say, now where's Mandela? Well, Mandela's dead, because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.

2008-09-14T22:45:00.001-07:00

There are only 100, no, 50, no, must be higher, well, lets say 130 days until George W. Bush is kicking back at his ranch, sipping beer, eating bbq'd ribs, and surrounded by heavily armed secret service.

But he has a few things to say:

*I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.

*I can't understand a mentality that doesn't recognize that causing America to be treated equally is not in our interests.

*I've often said being mayor is a lot tougher than being President — I don't have to fill the potholes and empty the garbage.

*I, I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.

*There — it's — you know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.

*I've reminded the Prime Minister — the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.

*I think — tide turning — see, as I remember — I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of — it's easy to see a tide turn — did I say those words?

*[To injured troops:] As you can probably see I was injured myself, not here at the hospital but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won.

*I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation Energy, Mayo Shattuck. That's a pretty cool first name, isn't it, Mayo. Pass the Mayo.

*It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way.

*This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table.

*It's important for people to know that I'm the president of everybody.

*Can you imagine if my name had been Mungo Bush?

*I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure.

*Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

*When you have your own money, it means you've got more money to spend.

I Want $70 Billion

2008-09-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

It's Bear Sterns all over again.

About 5 months ago, a major American investment bank fell apart. And you could buy it for $2, even though its office building alone is worth hundreds of millions of dollars. That bank is Bear Sterns.

In its 100 year history, it hasn't ever lost money. And then one month, it lost a billion. And the next month, all of its trillion dollars vanished.

And it was all your fault. Yes, you. I'm talking to you Average Joe. You went and bought a big bling bling house. And you couldn't afford the mortgage. But the bank figured, if you can't afford to pay us, we'll just charge you a higher interest rate.

And then you started getting laid.

And then the bank that gave you your mortgage did some clever accounting and "sold" your debt to other banks.

And Bear Sterns "bought" a whole bunch of these mortgages.

And then one day, all of the housing prices fell.

And you were too busy getting laid, so you didn't pay your mortgage and the bank took your house away.

And when the bank tried to sell the house, it could only sell it for a little bit of money. So it lost half of the money it lent you.

And it didn't really matter, because Bear Sterns bought the mortgage. So Bear Sterns lost all the money.

And then the Fed came along and put a gun to the head of another bank and made them buy Bear Sterns for a hundred million dollars. It's like a car dealer on steroids.

And then all was saved and the banks promised to never do it again.

And now it is happening all over again!

Lehman Brothers bank has no money and they are going to be broke. And the other banks said that they wouldn't help.

But those other banks decided to help anyways. And they worked all Sunday night. Am I missing something here? I try to go to the bank at noon and they are already closed. And now they are open on Sunday night?

So the Fed made a new plan. They have a fund with $70 billion. So if you are a bank and you are run by idiots, then you can take some money from the fund to correct your problems.

A bank is the easiest business in the world. If you are a bank, how can you possibly lose money? Banks open for like 12 minutes a day. And they keep all of your money. And then they charge you service fees for doing absolutely nothing. Yet somehow, they manage to lose half of it. Where the hell does it all go?

And what is your reward for completely screwing up at the easiest job in the world? The government comes along and gives you even more money!

A Pig With Lipstick

2008-09-10T19:48:00.001-07:00

Barack Hussein Obama called that bitch Sarah Palin a pig with lipstick. Then he denied it. His exact words: I'm a Muslim, I don't even like pigs. But then he realized that of course he doesn't like pigs, and he also doesn't like Sarah Palin.

So Obama said that he was actually referring to John McCain, and he meant it as a complement. He said that pigs look hot in lipstick.

And then the Republicans started whining about how Obama is an elitist. How he discriminates against pigs that choose to wear lipstick. How this whole lipstick-wearing-pig reinforces his flawed belief in evolution.

And then we find out that Sarah Palin had said that the only difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull is lipstick. So why is she calling Obama a hockey mom? And why does a pitbull need to wear lipstick?

And if that isn't enough, McCain's former press secretary wrote a book called Lipstick On A Pig.

And do you know what else Sarah Palin said? She said "We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty and sincerity and dignity". How dare she make such a remark! How dare she? That quote came from Westbrook Pegler, an anti-semite.

So if you say something that an anti-semite wrote, that makes you a murderer and an anti-semite.

So that is the new plan for winning IN this election. Everytime somebody says something, the other side will write a book on it and sell millions of copies to idiots like you. Note that I said winning IN this election.

Porn Sting Cont'd

2008-09-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well, people are feisty today. Everybody is pissed because I said that the government made hot pink child porn and sent it to a guy in order to arrest him.

But none of you care about who your next President will be.

So I want to clarify everything for that first idiot.

The government did NOT make child porn. They simply took existing child porn and put it on DVDs and mailed them to the guy. The government doesn't actually get children and make them have sex and video tape it in order to sell it. Well, actually they do, but they didn't in this case.

If you ride the New York subway, you are at a severe risk of getting killed by a psycho with a hammer. He will bonk you on the head. I should mention that it won't make a bonk sound like in various cartoons; it will be more of a cracking sound.

The City of New York says it is not liable for bonkings on the subway.

And the US Military has announced a shift in their strategy for finding Osama Bin Laden. So what exactly was their strategy before? I'm not interested in complaining about how shitty the Iraq war is or the fact that there is no strategy there.

But seriously, what is the strategy in capturing Osama? They should get Dog The Bounty Hunter in. He'll find his man and bring him to justice. Then the US will extradite Dog back to Afghanistan to face charges for unlawful kidnapping. And Dog will come back and talk to his son on the phone and call Osama a "towel-head" and we will all immediately forget that Dog captured the number one terrorist, and start complaining about how racist Dog is.

And in some happier news, that bitch Heather Mills will not be part of The Celebrity Apprentice. NBC says that she wanted then to guarantee that she would make it to the final, but that was a request that they couldn't entertain. I think that they got rid of her because they were afraid that she would pour water all over The Donald.

And autistic kid Christopher Marino almost drowned. So his dad started yelling stupid phrases from Disney movies, like "to infinity and beyond". His son heard them and they were rescued. Everybody is amazed that they both survived 14 hours in freezing water. You know what isn't surprising? Disney plans to sue them for trademark infringement.

That Bitch JK Rowling

2008-09-09T23:22:00.001-07:00

That bitch JK Rowling won a landmark judgement in Court today. Some dude tried to make a Harry Potter Encyclopedia. He never published it. But she found out through some magic and she sued him for it. She said that it would possibly compete with her Harry Potter Encyclopedia, which doesn't even exist. But her legal fees are over $100,000. Have fun paying your fat cat lawyers you bitch.

Porn Sting

2008-09-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

Well, your lovely government today concluded a wonderful and elaborate sting to make a guy buy child porn and then arrest him when he went to pick it up at the post office.

Here is what your lovely government did. They sent Richard Leitenberger a letter and told him that they have a catalog full of child porn DVDs. And they said that it contains "taboo, very rare, forbidden and ILLEGAL MATERIAL". And they swore that "we are NOT a law enforcement officer."

And they said that if he wants the child porn catalog, all he has to do is reply and swear that he is not a cop and is not "trying to set us up."

And then they mailed him a full-color 200 page catalog.

And he went through the catalog and found some DVDs that he was interested in. And all the DVDs were "HOT !!! YOUNG !!! AND PINK !!!" and an "ALL NEW PRIVATE HARDCORE COLLECTION...DVDS ENCRYPTED FOR YOUR SECURITY. THE YOUNGEST !!! THE HOTTEST !!! AND THE SWEETEST !!!"

And he mailed the government $180 for the DVDs that he wanted. Actually, he sent it by Western Union.

The most outrageous part of this is that the government actually made child porn DVDs and mailed them to him. And then when he went to the post office to pick them up, they arrested him and said that he was in possession of child porn.

What the hell is wrong with this government?

That Bitch Sarah Palin & John McCain Weighs In

2008-09-08T18:59:00.001-07:00

Everybody is still talking about that bitch Sarah Palin, who bears a striking resemblance to The DC Madam.

Whore!

You know what? I bet that Sarah Palin IS The DC Madam. The DC Madam gets sentenced, and then "commits suicide". And then we learn about the existence of Sarah Palin. Nobody's ever heard of Sarah Palin before 3 weeks ago. And also, her daughter is a whore. If you are a Madam, then your daughter will turn out to be a whore.

And speaking of which, you are not allowed to talk about her pregnant whore of a daughter or her redneck wigger boyfriend. Those topics are off-limits because they in no way affect her capability to do her job as Vice President.

And you are also not allowed to talk about her lack of foreign policy experience.

Alaska is great to live in, if you can forget that it is frickin' cold and there is no running water. But seriously, everybody who wants to go to school can, and the health care is good and they have roads. And the Government of Alaska pays you just for living there. Most of the Sarah Palin lovers will tell you how wonderful Alaska is because of her, and conveniently forget to tell you that its because the oil companies are paying her billions of dollars each year, and there are less than a million people living there. Hell, if you ask Sarah Palin, she will tell you that it is all God's will.

$20 billion oil pipeline: God's will

Iraq war: God's will

Plan for Iraqi re-construction: God's will

So I should add:

Lack of a brain: God's will

Pregnant whore of a daughter: God's will

And when she gets re-elected, she will come and tell you that it is because God wanted her to be elected.

Actually, with respect to the Iraq war, she said that it was a "task that is from God."

John McCain Weighs In On Gitmo

A lot of people have expressed concern about Gitmo. Barack Hussein Obama said that it needs to be closed.

McCain said that it “one of the nicest places in the world to live in.” When the Supreme Court said that detainees have the right to challenge their detention in US Courts, McCain called it "the worst decision in the history of the United States"

So here is John McCain to tell you what he thinks:

We should close Gitmo and shoot all of the prisoners...sorry, detainees...at point blank range. It is a waste of money. And anybody else who may be sent to Gitmo should be shot on site.

As far as anybody is concerned, the people living in Gitmo are blood-thirsty terrorists who want to kill Americans. If we let them out, they will just kill more Americans. What is the point in giving them trials? The lightest sentence they will get is a million year jail term in Gitmo.

And they are doing way better than if they were in an American jail. American jails are shit. You only get 4 hours a day of recreation time, and you have to share a cell with Bubba.

And Gitmo is way better than where we picked up those terrorists. They were living in freaking caves, sleeping on rocks, and eating shit for breakfast. Now they are getting $12 meals and medical care. We're even grooming them for lice.

Just Take A Look At Jon Stewart

2008-09-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

RNC: Retarded National Convention Part 2

2008-09-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well, Sarah Palin spoke. She didn't do a very good job. She should have gotten her retard son to suck on her teat during the speech. Then nobody would have paid attention to what she said.

And Rudy Guiliani just stood there talking about terror and terrorists and terrorism. He said, I swear, that nobody talked about 9/11 at the Democratic National Convention, as if he gets a royalty check every time somebody talks about it.

And then they all talked about change. McCain has been around for 800 years, and the only thing that has change that we've seen from him is white hair, wrinkles, and brown spots on his skin.

And then it was over.

And as for the story about the Taser, it wasn't me, it was somebody else. I don't own a Taser and I am not crazy.

What about Sarah Palin's oldest daughter being pregnant? Who gives a shit? Isn't that what I said last time. She is 17. Or what I said last time is that it doesn't go against Republican Family Values because she is not getting an abortion.

Here is what Bill O'Reilly thinks. When Jamie-Lynn Spears got pregnant, he said, blame the parents. When Bristol Pallin got pregnant, he says that it is no big deal and it is a personal issue that we shouldn't be talking about.

And what does Karl Rove think? He doesn't care. He says that Sarah Palin is a leader. She lead a city and she is leading a state. For the record, the city that she lead has is called Wasilla. It has 7000 residents, and 9000 crystal meth factories. And Karl Rove said that Obama's VP is a nobody who lead a small town of 117,000 which doesn't really make him a leader.

And what does John McCain think? He was sleeping through the whole thing, so he can't remember.

But it's really because Sarah Palin is an idiot. She does not support abortion, even in the case of rape or incest. And she doesn't support sex-ed. She said "I am pro-life. With the exception of a doctor's determination that the mother's life would end if the pregnancy continued."

She is anti-gay. But she would also like to tell you that she has good friends who are gay. What she means is that she has friends who are not anti-gay. You don't think she'd actually be friends with a real gay person do you?

She also says that the Polar Bear is an endangered species. Well, actually, she had promised Alaskans "a baby seal in every pot" if she were elected governor.

No, seriously, I don't know what she promised them, but at least one of them thought that he could have sex with her daughter. Why don't they tell us who the father is? That is the most important political issue here. I certainly hope that it isn't one of those Indians, because then America would have a VP who's daughter is married to an Indian, and God knows what would happen next.

McCain would have been better off with Meg Whitman, former CEO of eBay. She has experience running a multi-billion dollar company that wastes money and spies on everybody. Why can't she be VP?

RNC: Retarded National Convention

2008-09-02T23:36:00.000-07:00

Today is the day of the Retarded National Convention.

And Bush will be doing a speech at 3:00 AM. It's not to make fun of Obama/Hillary. It's because nobody wants him to talk. He's going to say something stupid. And it is very important that nobody hears him because Hillarys supporters are all voting for McCain.

Everybody is talking about how hot McCain's VP is. And they are also talking about how hot McCain's VPs daughters are. Take a look:

Somebody will come up with a slogan like, "2 Good Reasons To Drill In Alaska"

And look at that little girl in the front. She looks like a demon, I swear, like she wants to rip your hair out or something.

But seriously, McCain has put together a whole bunch of former Bush Aides to tutor Sarah Palin on foreign policy. The Democrats also put together a whole bunch of former Clinton Aides to tutor Obama, but all they want to do is get on their knees.

When McCain wins, I imagine that these Palin girls will be getting drunk and dancing naked on coffee tables at various parties, just like the Bush twins.

So here is what I heard:

* Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

* WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

* Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

* Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

* There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

* I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

* So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

* All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

* What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

* I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

* I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

* The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

* Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!

* A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

* P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

BristolGate

2008-09-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

Well, Barack Hussein Obama made a speech.

And we all expected the media to talk about how great he is at talking.

But they didn't.

Because for once in his life, John McCain thought ahead by more than one day. He knew that Barack Hussein Obama would make a good speech and he needed something even better.

So he announced his running mate - a woman young enough to be his granddaughter.

In fact, she is currently the governor of Alaska. This makes perfect sense because McCain wants to drill for oil there. But she has no foreign policy experience - what kind of world leader wants to visit Alaska?

You see, McCain needed somebody like Obama and unlike him - inexperienced, female, nice family where both spouses are the same age!

And I do agree. She has a nice family. Except that they have screwed up names - Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig. What the hell? Are we naming people or trees? Oh yeah, and 17-year-old Bristol is pregnant. And also, Bristol is a boy. No, just joking. But seriously, Bristol is 5 months pregnant. Well, what do you expect? It's Alaska and it's freaking cold; what do expect people to do?

But this doesn't go against Republican family values because Bristol isn't going to get an abortion.

And Obama doesn't have anything to say. He can't. He too is the product of a teenage pregnancy.

By the way, doesn't Sarah Palin look like the DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey???

Bill Spoke

2008-08-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight, all of the major news channels had some breaking news. Was it a flash flood? Nope. Was it an earthquake? Nope. Was it another school shooting? Nope, that's not until next week.

It was even more important than a million natural disasters happening simultaneously. Barack Hussein Obama was nominated to become the Democratic candidate for President. Wait? Didn't Hillary quit many months ago? And there was no secret ghost candidate with more delegates. So what the hell is going on?

Joe Biden said that although he wanted to be president, he would rather be at home making love to his wife. And Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said that he would rather be at home making love to Joe Biden's wife.

But seriously, Bill Clinton had something else to say. It is that he is making this speech at the Democratic National Convention. And he wants it to sound like he wants Obama to win. Then Obama will give Hillary the $10 million that she spent on her campaign. Not that it is a big deal since Obama already raised $300 million, and it's not like he can spend all of it anyways. So Bill Clinton has to sound genuine. But at the same time, he has to be so sleazy and terrible about it that nobody will want to vote for Obama. This way John McCain can win.

Then all of the Hillary supporters will say I told you so. And John McCain will be like Bush, only with alzheimer's and on his death bed. He will screw things up so bad, even he will vote Democrat in the next election. And then Hillary will be president in 2012.

So if you are reading this blog Mr. Obama, I say good luck. Just look at the ad that McCain put out:

On second thought, that ad was a piece of crap.

Iran is a tiny threat compared to other countries, like China. Look at how many freaking medals they won at the Olympics!

And Russia. They just invaded Georgia. They may as well have invaded a US state without so much as a finger being laid on them. How many countries has Iran invaded?

And do you think anybody in America gives a shit about Iran? Or "terrorism"? That is practically the only word in Bush's vocabulary these days.

So take a look at this:

There you go. Words cannot properly sum it up, so I will just shut up now and go to sleep.

Democratic National Convention & Porn Shoot in a Playground

2008-08-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

Funny quote at the Olympics that I heard:

Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I done."

What do you want to hear first? The sleaze or the other stuff?

Okay, sleaze first - The Democratic National Convention took place today. Basically, a bunch of people got together to do absolutely nothing.

There were a few major problems:
-no fried foods allowed.
-also Dennis Kucinich the stupid midget spoke
-and Bill Clinton is going to speak tommorrow. He says that he is not a racist and he wants an apology from Barack Hussein Obama.
-and Obama's noisy annoying kids kept interrupting the show. Or maybe that was some other speech.
-and many Democrats are going to vote for McCain or not at all.

Basically, the Clintons are loved by 40% of Democrats. And Hillary and Obama spent a year tearing each other apart. And now Hillary is expected to come back and tell everybody that Obama is the greatest thing since sliced bread. And he didn't even pick her as a running mate. Do you really think that her supporters are just going to switch to Obama. These people already figured out how much of a piece of crap he is. And in recent months, he's just gotten worse. None of the BS that he promised is actually going to happen.

So people are pissed. And they are not going to vote Obama. Obama's foreign policy experience consists of having worn clothes that were made in China. Hell, tap water probably has more foreign policy experience than him! And then you put Joe Biden as the running mate. He's got the experience, but he's dirt poor. If he can't handle his own finances, how the hell do you expect him to manage the United States?

So to summarize:
-poor guy who never showers as VP
-blackie with no foreign experience as president
-and those two stupid kids of his will get crayon all over the white house walls

And the porn shoot took place in a playground.

Apparently, nobody saw them shoot the porn, but one of the tv reporters was doing "research" and stumbled upon the video. Then he was like, hey, I take my daughter to this park.

http://www.wmctv.com/global/story.asp?s=8898891

And in keeping with the cop-hating theme of this blog, check this out:

And also some cops had sex with some hookers during a sting operation. But they said that it was part of the job. Actually, his exact words were "I climaxed in her, but I did not enjoy it. I was just doing my job."

If you ask me, the only thing that will be stinging are his private parts! Speaking of which, he says that the city should be held accountable if he contracts an STD.

http://www.beaumontenterprise.com/news/local/cop_suspension_case_testimony_takes_lurid_turn_in_reponse_to_blunt_questions_08-21-2008.html

And Dr. Dre's son is dead. Probably a drug overdose, which is a surprise because his dad is a doctor! No, seriously, didn't Eminem always say that Dr. Dre's dead and locked in his basement? So maybe Eminem killed Dr. Dre's son. Or maybe somebody mistook him for Obama.

Joe "Poor Man" Biden

2008-08-25T23:21:00.000-07:00

Barack Hussein Obama has picked his VP. I don't remember who he is, but he found out at 3AM. Out of 100 million Democrats in America, I don't know how they picked Obama.

Oh yes, he picked Joe Biden who has lots of foreign relations experience. He once had sex with the German Chancellor. By comparison, Obama's foreign relations experience consists of having eaten Chinese food for lunch.

So I said that Obama couldn't do foreign relations if his life depended on it. That means that Biden is a good choice. Then I found out that they say that Biden's net worth is between $59,000 and $366,000. Now I am having second thoughts. Why the hell would we elect a poor person. And not poor like $10 million net worth poor. I mean dirt freaking poor. He's 65. If you worked at Wal-Mart for $15 an hour all your life and you never got promoted or got a raise you'd have more than that by the time you're 65.

And do you really think that America wants to elect a Wal-Mart employee? And not a Wal-Mart manager, but the senile old fart who greets you at the door and asks you if you need a shopping cart.

For God's sake, the guy looks like he hasn't showered in months.

But seriously. This guy is a Senator and has been one for decades. So he's pulling in at least a hundred grand every single year. And he collected $112,000 for a book that he wrote, and another $20,000 for teaching at a University. And yet he has no money. He doesn't even own a house. So here's the deal:
-he is terrible with money. He buys junk like the Easy button in the Staples commercial
-he has a drug addiction
-he has an alcohol addiction, no, make that an expensive wine addiction
-he has a gambling problem
-he has a porn addiction and is too stupid to use Google to get his porn for free
-he is lying and really thinks that we are that stupid

And the Olympics are over. Nobody noticed. Watching the Olympics should be an Olympic sport because nobody is any good at it.

Weeds

2008-08-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

Shane had sex. Silas and his MILF are running a store and they are doing it. And everybody is buying the cheese sandwich for $240. And Guillermo keeps bringing his "cousins" through the tunnel. And he is shipping boxes full of guns back to Mexico. Celia is in a rehab center and doing well, but her insurance doesn't exist so she has to go to a shitty rehab center. Doug Wilson wants to bang Maria but she figures out that he is a bad man and has warts on his genitals. And then we have Nancy telling the Mayor about the problems with the tunnel and when he doesn't listen, she tells the DEA.

Tuesday's Gossip

2008-08-19T23:46:00.001-07:00

-LeRoi Moore who is on the Dave Matthews Band has died. He got killed in an ATV accident. Well, actually he didn't. He got injured. And then he got sick and died. So if your kids want to ride ATVs and you don't want them to, just tell them that Moore died. But they probably never heard of him.
-Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are back together again. Nobody's heard of them either.
-And that stupid Dyke isn't happy about what I said about her yesterday getting married to another Dyke. So Ellen DeGeneres started rambling about some bullshit of hers:

You may notice something different about the way I'm writing…it's fancy. This is the font I type in now that I'm MARRIED! I do a lot of things differently now …I say, "I do" a lot. For example: Who wants to do pilates? I do. Would you like a Mountain Dew? I do. Do you know why I pulled you over? I do. And that was just this morning.

I don't want to hear any of that crap. She can go to hell.

Also, if you have another word for dyke, please e-mail me.

-They made a CLUE: Celebrity Edition or something. Basically, they turned it into OJs house by adding a guest house and a spa. And now you can kill your wife...er...solve the mystery with poison, a dumbbell, or a trophy. Who the hell has ever killed someone with a dumbbell or a trophy? A golf club or a Taser maybe. But a trophy?

-Last year Jay-Z made $150 million, Diddy made $35 million, Kanye made $30 million, and Tupac made $15 million even though he is dead.

-Sharon Stone is doing a guy who is half her age. Nobody is surprised.

-That stupid Alien Worshipper Tom Cruise is making a movie, where he, surprise, surprise, fuses with an alien artifact and becomes immune to pain.

-David Beckham - The Theatre of Dreams is coming out. It's a musical about the soccer player who gets $35 million a year to sit out for half the season because he scraped his knee.

-Michael Phelps will appear on the Kellogs box.

-Aubrey O'Day would like to tell you that what she is "looking for in life is incredible passion and honest love, and if that's with a girl, a guy, a guy that dresses like a girl, a girl that dresses like a guy" it doesn't matter.

Pervert Musharaf And A Joke

2008-08-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

Pervert Musharaf (the leader of Pakistan) is going to be impeached.
He is basically a George W Bush. Likes the war on terror, ignores his Supreme
Court, tortures people in secret jails, and people want to get rid of him.
Or actually, George W Bush admires him. Once, when the Chief Justice of Supreme
Court made a decision that Musharaf didn't like, he fired him. Ever see Bush do
that? And Bush really is dying to fire some of those Justices; you know, the ones
who keep saying that torture and detaining people indefinitely without charging
them is illegal.

But seriously, Musharaf is going to be impeached if he doesn't resign. And this
is no Dennis Kucinich bullshit impeachment proceding either. This is the real
thing.

And the Russian military's holiday into Georgia is now over. Russia said that it
was fun and they hope to go on more holidays in the future. They haven't been to
Poland in a while and the hotels there have valet parking for your tank. But if
you ask me, the only person who needs a holiday is Putin.

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, “Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?”

Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.”

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

“That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: “Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!”

Tyrone said, “Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental.” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!”

Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.”

“Well, what poem did you tell her?”

Tyrone said: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!”

Monday's Gossip

2008-08-18T23:16:00.002-07:00

-Some stupid show called 90210 is coming again. Apparently, the CW is re-doing the show. Everybody wants that ZIP code. I say that the show should consist of people fighting for the death to get it.

-Christina Applegate isn't going to die from breast cancer anymore. That is what she decided.

-Jesse Ventura is going to have his own stupid Judge Judy Show. Except it won't be called Judge Judy. It will be called something stupid. Hey, maybe they should call it Something Stupid. If you talk, he will really throw you out of the courtroom.

-Some other stupid thing called the BMI Urban Awards will be airing. And Michael Jackson is going. Or not, because his brothers are going. Jacko hasn't talked to his brothers in 4 years and doesn't plan to any time soon. Mainly because he owes them all a million dollars in royalties. You see, money talks.

-Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson may get back together. I can't stand that guy and I can't stand his voice.

-Suri Cruise eats boogers in public. What do you expect when her dad worships a space alien?

-That dyke Ellen DeGeneres got married to some other dyke this weekend. That is just sick.

Some Drilling

2008-08-18T23:16:00.001-07:00

Barack Hussein Obama has changed his position to support domestic drilling. McCain would like to remind you that he changed his position before Obama. That is called leadership. Whether the drilling takes place overseas or in your backyard, your wallet will really get drilled at the pump.

The Olympics are still going on. Some lady named Dida or something won the Marathon. She ran for over 2.5 hours. That is 150 minutes for those of you using the Metric System. I was expecting her to die in the middle of the street. Then it would have been interesting.

So my proposal is that in the next Olympics, the Marathon runners will be chased by a pack of rabid dogs. And they will have steaks tied to their feet.

I am also surprised by the lack of protests or pollution. Actually, the Chinese government said that protesters will be allowed to assemble in "designated protest areas". Yes, they are called prisons. Seriously though, because of the pollution, protestors will be run over by hybrid tanks!

I swear, when it came time to throw the javelin, one athlete threw it straight up in the air and it stuck. And I heard that many athletes have chosen to wear respirators or masks. They are the same masks that your children have to wear when they play with Chinese-made toys.

But in terms of medals, Canada has finally won some. Nine to be exact, which is still far away from the American medal count of 72, or the Chinese medal count of 67. But something very suspicious is going on right now; China has 39 Gold medals, but the US only has 22. Considering how many sterorids the US athletes are taking, they should have way more medals. It sounds like the Chinese are - dare I say it? - cheating! Must be all of that lead and cardboard in their food.

For the record, the US won its Gold medals in Swimming, and Athletics, whatever the hell that is. Seriously, there is a medal for being an athlete? I'm an athlete, so give me a medal bitches! The Chinese won their Gold medals in gay sports like Diving and Gymnastics. So remember: next time a Chinese person is bothering you, feel free to drown him because he can't swim! That is the message that the Olympics hopes to bring to all of us.

A Major International Crisis

2008-08-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, lets make way with the 500 pound elephant in the room.

Because we have a serious international crisis to discuss.

And that is that Canada hasn't won any Medals at The Olympics. What the hell? As a Canadian, I am disgusted by this lack of achievement.

Canada has always been the pinnacle of achievement, from when we first invented maple syrup until today with our igloo.

Okay, seriously though, Canada has WatchTVSitcoms.

Everybody is nagging that Canada can't win at The Olympics. But what do you expect? We're not funding our summer athletes. And without funding, they can't buy any drugs. And without drugs, how do you expect them to win against the US?

And nobody can beat the Chinese now since they have the home team advantage. And also because they are actually breeding little gymnasts who are only like 7 years old but their passport says that they are 16. Hell, if you can fake a fireworks show and practically everything ever produced, you can sure fake a Chinese passport.

But seriously, The Chinese will probably just execute anybody who wins a medal and isn't Chinese.

Now onto a less important international crisis.

George Bush has had his vacation disrupted. And by stupid Russians nonetheless.

In case you don't already know, Georgia is a country in Eastern Europe. And the Russians drove their tanks into it this week, and they don't plan on leaving. And most Americans can't find it on the map.

And Bush is mad. How dare the Russians invade a sovereign country with no plans of withdrawal. And how dare they put it in a place that he can't find?

Invading Georgia is like invading America. Because Georgia is also a US state. And Georgia has nice things. So this was a bad move on Russia's part. Because this aggression will not stand. Actually, that is what the last Bush said when Iraq invaded Kuwait.

Everybody should have seen this coming. About 8 months ago, the US wanted to install a missile defence system in Eastern Europe. And the Russians said no. Why would they say no to that? It's not like they were planning to launch any missiles in the near future.

But then the Prime Minister of Georgia and the Defense of Minister of Georgia went on vacation. And the Russians drove 1600 tanks in the next day. But the Russians insist that it was a spontaneous response and they weren't planning this this whole thing for the last 7 months.

I tell you, those Russians are out of control. America should just wipe them off of the map. Last year or whenever the hell it was, George Bush said that he looked Putin in his eye and got a sense of his soul. But Putin has no soul (George Bush looked right through Putin's eyes and into the soul of the guy standing behind him).

But this is clearly nothing more than a clever trap by the Chinese. Yes, the Chinese planned this invasion so that we would stop paying attention to the Olympics and they could steal all of the medals. And then it all goes back to how the Olympics is the major international crisis.

A Message From Paris Hilton

2008-08-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton was used in a McCain tv commercial. They said that Barack Hussein Obama and her are twins because they are both flashy celebrities and both of them think that people find them hot.

So here now is Paris Hilton to tell you otherwise:

Hey, America, I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm a celebrity too. Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot. But then that wrinkly white haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement, white haired dude. I want America to know that I'm like totally really to lead.

And now I want to present my energy policy for America, just as soon as I finish reading this article on where I can fly to to get the best tan. Oh, Maui. Loves it.

OK, so here's my energy policy: Blackie wants to cut foreign oil dependency, and Whitey wants offshore drilling. I love getting drilled. But I also love foreign guys. Maybe we can have both at the same time, and make a video of it? But, like, a hybrid would totally work. Some drilling and some encouragement of new cars that burn alcohol. Then I could totally like take my Bentley to the bar with me and we could both fill up. Wait, did I just say all that?

Energy crisis solved. I'll see you at the debates, bitch. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick out a vice president. I'm thinking Rihanna. I'll see you at the White House. Oh, and I might paint it pink. I hope that's cool with you guys. Bye.

I'm Paris Hilton and I approve this message, because I think it's totally hot.

Airline Fears

2008-08-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

I am back from my holidays. Sorry that the site got neglected. But it will be
back now.

And I am back from my holidays. Wait, I said that already.

China made its opening ceremonies. All were fake. The girl lip-sychned her song. Even the fireworks were fake. Did you really expect any better from the Chinese?

And speaking of holidays, JetBlue has announced a new operation to bring in
massive revenues. From now on, if you want to sleep on their airplane, you have
to pay $7 to get a pillow. And if you want to hear any sound on their in-flight
entertainment system, you must pay $1.

So now you can pay $7 and get an 8 hour sleep on the runway while they make up an
excuse for delaying your flight.

But at least you can take the pillow home and go to bed on your comfy 4-inch-wide
pillow. I say that if you fly JetBlue, you probably can't afford a bigger pillow
anyways.

Speaking of which, you are better off driving to your destination. It will be
faster and safer. Because I must inform you of a new plan by the airline
executives to cut costs. They decided that if you fill a plane with too much
fuel, it burns fuel to fly the fuel to the destination. Because fuel has weight.
So the solution is to put in less fuel. And the less fuel you put, the less fuel
you have to fly the plane, and the less weight you have, so the less fuel you
need, and the cycle goes on until they start filling the fuel tanks with air
instead of fuel.

And airplane captains are not very happy with this idea. And they are
complaining, not only because it is unsafe, but also because the captain has the
right to decide how much fuel he wants on his plane. So any captain that
complains will be fired.

In business class, they put you in a lounge before your flight, where you can have
a salad or soup or some other food and drink yourself to death. And after all
that you can go on the internet and take a shower at the same time.

Then you get on your flight and use your electronically adjustable seat to stretch
your legs. The flight attendant brings you ice-cold water before your flight.
And your meal comes in a real plate, and your drink comes in a real cup.
Apparently, the food was prepared fresh on board, but it still tasted like crap.

Whereas in economy (coach), they are charging you for a glass of water.

And they are charging you for excess baggage. If your bag weighs one pound over
the limit, you have to pay something like seventeen thousand dollars.

But if you weigh 600 pounds, you can get on the flight without paying another
nickel. Don't you think that a 600 pound fat-ass costs the airplane more to
transport than an additional 2 pounds of luggage. And everybody else has to put
up with the fat ass spilling into their seat.

And now airlines are charging you for any luggage you bring. So if you bring a
bag, you have to pay. But I also heard that the Department of Homeland Security
has a special alert for people who don't bring any luggage on their flight (they
have no plans to land). So you'd better bring your luggage and pay for it. I
swear that there is a conspiracy here.

I Just Heard Something

2008-05-29T23:29:00.000-07:00

There is this loser who wrote a book about pulling his son out of school. Actually, his 15-year-old started grade 10 and he hated it. It was terrible. So the dad talked to his son. And his son said that he hated the school.

So the dad did the only responsible thing: he let his son drop out of school. But only under the condition that he doesn't have to bear any concequences for his actions. Because the dad never intended for the son to pay any rent. The only thing he had to do was watch 3 movies per week with his dad.

Apparently the dad felt that the son was a good kid who was just bored. So he made the son watch 3 movies each week to stimulate him intellectually.

And it worked! After 3 years of watching movies, the son got off of the couch and got a girlfriend and worked in a French kitchen for 14 hours a day.

Then he got his high school equivalency and has now completed his first year at the University of Toronto. And get this? He's going to film school.

And get this? The responsible father wrote a book. Great, you do something stupid and get lucky, so you end up writing a book about it. If the son turned out to be a 40-year-old selling pencils in Times Square, what would this dad be doing?

Scott Mcclellan also wrote a book today about "what happened". We already know what happened. You are full of shit and so is Bush. We don't need to pay you $40 to figure it out.

But in case you do, buy it here:

Then Amazon.com will give me seventeen cents so I can continue writing blog posts.

Bush's press secretaries are being replaced as fast as diapers, and for much the same reason: They get too full of shit!

First there was Ari, then Scott, then Tony Snow, then Dana Perino. And with Ari, the bullshit was so bad, it went right to the last day, when he said he was quitting so that he could read the sports section in the newspaper.

So that's it.

Chuck Norris isn't dead yet but we're going to end with some jokes about him:

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

When the boogeyman goes to bed, he has his mom check his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read the Bible, he stares it down until it talks.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity..... twice.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the world economy.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

A giraffe is a horse that Chuck Norris kicked in the chin.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

As Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make him drink.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris walked into KFC and ordered a Big Mac.....and got one.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris'd.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris pees in a can and sells it as RedBull.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Meet Cocaine Jesus

2008-05-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks to this stupid website, I have been gaining weight.

But this week, I lost 10 pounds with my new diet. Which consists of basically not eating anything except dinner. But most of it I lost after taking a dump.

Anyways, this isn't Harold & Kumar, so I will just tell you this. John McCain said that Obama should visit Iraq and he would come along. I don't like the sound of that...If Obama and McCain went to Iraq, only one of them would come back alive! (McCain would die of some old person disease).

But Obama would just be wasting time there. McCain was just wasting time and money the last dozen times he went there. And you have to ask yourself, what's the point? I mean, you're not going to go down there and see "exactly what is going on". You're going to be surrounded by a convoy of military vehicles and heavily armed soldiers. And you aren't going to go anywhere dangerous. And you're not going to actually "see" what is going on all over Iraq.

McCain went to Iraq. What did that accomplish for Iraq or for America or even for him? Ultimately, even if Obama goes there again, it isn't like he will get anything meaningful out of it.

Below is a picture of Cocaine Jesus:

Some Spanish guy told a lady to carry it for him across the US-Mexico border for $80. He also told her that he would be waiting for her at a Greyhound bus station in America.

But at the border, the officers found a box with Cocaine Jesus and Non-Cocaine Jesus in it. And the dogs sniffed the box and started to bark. But there were no drugs inside the box. And there were no drugs inside Cocaine Jesus. Because Cocaine Jesus was made of solid cocaine.

This is very clever. But I only wonder how many people were successful in trafficing cocaine this way.

Look at more clever ideas:

Like Mr. Extacy Head,

But seriously, they should have filled his head with marijuanaand called him Mr. Pot Head!

Or Crystal Meth Elmo,

But by far, the worst case was of these idiots who filled up puppies with cocaine:

And clearly, these guys were using their own drugs, because nobody in their right mind would write Bin Laden on their stuff and expect to get through the border in one piece:

Some Gossip

2008-05-29T19:11:00.001-07:00

It is time for gossip.

Two families are no more:

Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen.

And also Bill Murray and whoever he is married to.

According to Court documents filed sometime last week, they hate each other. But there is more!

First the Richards marriage. Denise Richards, better known as the worst Bond girl ever, is divorcing her drug addicted husband. I don't know why she didn't dump him before. Oh yes, it's because she has no career! Seriously, unlike all the other Bond girls who are air-headed bimbos with big assets, this one is an air-headed bimbo with big assets, who is also a doctor. But she doesn't show up wearing a lab coat and normal clothes, she wears a tight-fitting tank top that shows off her belly button.

Anyways, she says that she didn't divorce him before because she was afraid of "damaging his image, and causing others to lose their jobs". Yes, others like HER!

And she says that she was dating him in 2001, when she knew that he was using crack, alcohol, and prostitutes. But she continued to date him, because, I swear, he said that he never used prostitutes while sober. You can't make this shit up!

And Sheen had mood swings when be gambled. When he won, he was happy, and when he lost, he was freaking sad.

And he dented her Mercedes when she tried to kidnap her daughter.

And he freaked out at their family pediatrician.

And he would not let their dogs urinate on the grass.

And then he got paranoid. He bought into 9/11 conspiracy theories. And he bought guns and a gas mask and put them under the coffee table in case somebody broke into their house.

Then he took their wedding photograph and spray painted "the dumbest day of my life" on it.

During the pregnancy of their second daughter, Sheen was more concerned about gambling. When her water broke, he wouldn't help her until he finished watching the basketball game because he was betting on it. And he kept gambling while she was getting a C-section.

Then they went on vacation. And he lost $100,000 gambling through the television in their hotel room. And he was looking at gay porn.

And then he kept getting prostitutes to their house. And he told her to die and get cancer.

Okay, onto Bill Murray. He is a nobody.

He was in Ghostbusters. And then he was in Scrooged and The Man Who Knew Too Little, both stupid movies. And now he is the voice of Garfield.

Okay, so some bitch married Bill Murray, but surprise surprise, she couldn't deal with the adultery, alcoholism, pot addiction, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and other things.

And Bill Murray would leave the country randomly to do things without telling her.

And he abused her physically to the point where she was lucky that he didn't kill her.

So she wants a bunch of orders so that he goes away, and also so that he doesn't tell his kids about the divorce or let them meet his new wives or to enter his house.

And she also wants money because she can't pay her attorney.
And she wants sole custody.
And she wants the house.
And she wants all of the cars.
And she wants money.
And she wants to stop being abused.
And she wants comprehensive health insurance.

What the hell? This is America. She can have all the money, the house, and the cars. But what the hell is she thinking asking for health care?

R Kelly On Trial

2008-05-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

Anyways, that pedophile R. Kelly is on trial. He did the girl. And he did Miley Cyrus too.

So lets start with a brief history of R. Kelly. Actually, his life story is the same as that of any other black rapper. He was born to a mom on welfare who was also a drug addict, and he lived in a slum in Harlem. When he was 13, he joined his cousin's gang and started selling weed. When he was 14, he cut some other black dude because he "disrespected his turf". When he was 16, he started selling crack.

Between 16 and 25 he was arrested about a dozen times, convicted, and jailed in America's revolving-door prison system. While in jail, he started to write crap that makes no sense but at least the words rhyme. Then somebody "discovered" him and he started making CDs that stupid people all over the world waste their time downloading off some peer-2-peer internet website because they aren't worth $15. And the record companies keep whining because they can't understand why a bunch of swear words on a CD written by a drug addict criminal aren't making them any money.

Anyways, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I should also mention that R. Kelly married some girl when she was like 11. He said, and I quote, "of course she was at the age of consent: it's called puberty nigga!"

And then he cheated on his 11-year-old wife with a bunch of other 11-year-olds. See in freaky-deekey Africa, where they eat dead bodies and carve weird shapes into their skin, having sex with an 11-year-old is considered normal.

So then R. Kelly did another 11-year-old and peed on her and video taped it. And then he got indicted in 2002. And then nobody knows what the hell happened between 2002 and 2006, when the judge had an "accident" and had to heal his broken bones. Apparently, he fell on a bunch of bullets.

But seriously, I don't know what they were doing for 4 years between the indictment and the "accident".

How hard is this? He was doing a girl in a tape. So figure out if it was him in the tape or not. And if it wasn't, then let him go. And if it was, then still let him go because he's a celebrity.

Here are some excuses that the potential jury members used to get out of the trial:
-I've been sexually molested by a relative
-I have problems with the age of consent
-The only thing negative that I can think of R. Kelly is that he doesn't get along with Jay-Z
-A public school security guard said that gangs are terrorists, and that we should keep prisoners in over-crowded jails.

One guy, I swear, said that he had to take a vacation to visit his parents, but he offered to scrap the plans in order to sit on the jury, because "this is important". He was given the boot.

But I leave you all with one final thought. Black men are big. And little girls are not big. So if it doesn't fit, you must acquit!

Feisty! Feisty! My Response to the SMART CAR losers.

2008-05-26T23:44:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about that woman that smoked dope in the streets of Baghdad ? She was so stoned...

There! I just said something that was somewhat ignorant or racist or that unfairly draws unnecessary attention to a less priveleged ethnic group or minority. And now you people are going to post more comments and send me more e-mails about how much of a bad and intolerant person I am.

Over the last few months, I have said a things that were so vile, they would make Obama's grandmother cringe. I said bad things about black people, fat people, women, and the Chinese. But clearly, none of the things that I have said come close to making fun of the SMART CAR.

You people all call me an idiot. And some of you said that I'm on "H". Well, I like being an idiot. But one thing's for sure: I'm not buying a SMART CAR. Unless Mercedes decides to send me one (hint hint). If they do, I will become a pro-SMART CAR loser.

For the record, I am well aware of the fuel economy obtained by German vehicles, and I also know how safe the SMART CAR is. It's safe. I don't know how, but it is. In fact, it's probably safer than the Hummer.

UNSmart Car

2008-05-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

Something has been bothering me for a while, and it is about time that I posted it here.

There is this thing called a SMART CAR. I don't exactly know what is so smart about driving a shopping cart. I understand that it is made by Mercedes-Benz. I don't know how a company like Mercedes can make such a fine car, and also make such an ugly car at the same time. It's the same like how Dick Cheney and Barack Obama can be related. One is evil, lies to cover things up, and steps on people to get to the top, and the other works for a bunch of corrupt oil companies like Halliburton.

Anyways, why are people driving these things?

I am starting to see lots of companies replace their fleet of vehicles with SMART CARS, and I am guessing that they think that they will save money on gas or maintenance or some other function of the vehicle that I don't understand.

But a SMART CAR costs around $25,000 while a Toyota Yaris or a Ford Focus is going to be around $15,000. And the Toyota Prius gets even better fuel economy.

And another thing. If you are in a SMART CAR and you get hit by a semi, where the hell do you think you're going to end up? Hell, even if you got hit by a Ford Ranger, your car will be crushed. Hell, if you hit a pedestrian you're going to end up with more injuries!

I don't know if the SMART CAR has airbags, but I sure hope not - between you and the windshield, there isn't any room for them.

And they are slow.

So if it isn't enough that the Germans are selling us tiny, ugly, slow, unsafe, inefficient overpriced pieces of junk, they are also losing money on them! Mercedes or Daimler or SMART or whatever the hell they call themselves now has lost 8 billion euros on these cars to date. I don't know how they do it!

So this is what they need to do with the "SMART" CAR:

I Am Humbled

2008-05-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

Watch the new Indiana Jones trailer or else:

Now people are not only reading my blog, but they are quoting me too. As if these losers have nothing better to do!

When I made comments about how doctors were surprised to discover that Ted Kennedy has a brain in his tumor, somebody decided that it was worth quoting:

http://charliebravo.blogtownhall.com/2008/05/21/ted_kennedy_cancer_jokes.thtml

Now maybe that douchebag Dane Cook will steal my jokes too.

Who Drives?

2008-05-21T20:51:00.001-07:00

So far only one person is getting a free DVD. So hurry up and make a comment or you will get nothing.

Britney & Mel Gibson are back from their trip. I don't know who drives on that one?

And also, boy band creator Lou Pearlman is going to jail for 25 years. He scammed a whole bunch of people out of $300 million. Most of it he spent on food, that fat ass.

The judge said that he would reduce the jail sentence by one month for every $1 million returned to investors. Doesn't this send a pro-crime message? I mean, 25 years = 300 months. So if you are smart, you will scam people out of $300 million, then invest it. After 10 years, you will double your money. If you get caught, you can give $300 million back and keep $300 million for yourself, with no jail time!

But seriously, 25 years is nothing for the evil scumbag who created N Sync and The Backstreet Boys. He should be sent to a secret CIA prison in Hungary that doesn't exist.

Tonight, the new Indiana Jones movie is coming out. I believe that he is hunting for an ancient wheelchair!

And also Ted Kennedy is still alive. Not that you would notice the difference. Normally, we would make a joke about Ted Kennedy's drinking. But I won't do that here. I will just say that with Ted Kennedy's illness, we will need to elect 4 Congressmen to take his place.

Hefty Bags - Leak Protection You Would Kill For

2008-05-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

LAKE FOREST, IL—Hefty Consumer Products unveiled a new ad campaign this week touting its line of trash bags as the only ones capable of handling tough and messy corpse-removal jobs.

Representatives said the ads are designed to target a segment of the population long overlooked by the company, and will depict Hefty bags as the strongest, most durable, and least likely to be punctured by shards of human bone.

"With Hefty, cleanup is a breeze," a press release from the company read in part. "Just load up all your unwanted garbage, secure the bag with our easy-to-tie handles, and quietly slip out your back door under the cover of night."

The release went on to explain that Hefty bags satisfy an ever-changing array of consumer needs, no matter how disturbing. Guaranteed never to tear, the bags can reportedly prevent unsightly garbage from spilling out onto kitchen floors, steep basement stairs, or isolated cabin crawl spaces deep in the woods.

According to vice president of marketing Rebecca Kohler, her team has worked hard to highlight Hefty's unique waterproof design, which prevents sticky fluids from ever leaving a trail.

"Hefty is a name you can trust," Kohler said at the Advertising Executives of America's annual conference in San Francisco Tuesday. "We want all of our customers to know that, whether they're tidying up their rec rooms to make space for a new sofa, or saying goodbye to their longtime business partner, Dale, our trash bags can be counted on time after time."

The $12 million campaign is the result of months of intense market research and hundreds of anonymous interviews. Its aim, executives said, is to appeal to consumers looking for a disposable container small enough to fit inside a standard car trunk, yet large enough to make using a wood chipper unnecessary.

Publicity has already begun in five markets nationwide, with print ads appearing on billboards by the side of select derelict highways and in dozens of seedy motel parking lots outside East St. Louis. The campaign's main slogan, "No more headaches! No more skulls!" will also appear in a series of commercials scheduled to air on the cable network TNT starting Thursday.

In the first of two 30-second spots, a shadowy figure is seen exiting his home while dragging a large trash bag. Suddenly, the bag tears open and its contents fall noisily onto the lawn, waking up neighbors and alerting nearby police officers. As the man is dragged away in handcuffs, he looks at the camera and says, "I should have gone with Hefty—now available in large, extra-large, and family-size!"

In addition to the televised spots, Hefty will air a series of testimonials featuring everyday American citizens.

"My wife would constantly nag me about taking out the garbage," remarks another consumer, Florida resident Michael Howard Baker, a consumer in another ad, while carrying a trash bag to a van parked in his driveway. "But, thanks to Hefty, I won't have to listen to her anymore at all."
The company hinted that a string of promotional tie-ins, including a free bottle of commercial bleach, two meat cleavers, duct tape, and representation from a bar-certified defense lawyer, would also be worked into the campaign.

Though market forces will ultimately determine the success of the ads, some critics have already blasted Hefty's new campaign as irresponsible.

"This kind of marketing is deplorable and immoral," said Jonathan Herring, professor of media studies at Columbia University. "If Hefty thinks they can get away with this, they must have lost their minds."

Added Herring, "Twelve dollars for a box of trash bags? No, thank you."

FREE DVD Wednesday

2008-05-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

Every Wednesday, WatchTVSitcoms is going to give away a FREE DVD.

This week, we are giving away a FREE DVD of National Treasure: Book of Secrets

We have 25 copies to give away.

See it here on Amazon.com

So if you want a FREE DVD, you must post a comment on this blog post. You can say thanks or something like that. Any posts containing crap will be deleted. And each person may only win once and may only make ten (10) posts.

The people who post comments:
#10
#20
#30
#40
#50
#60
#70
#80
#90
#100
#110
#120
#130
#140
#150
#160
#170
#180
#190
#200
#210
#220
#230
#240
#250

will receive a FREE DVD of National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Ted Kennedy's Cancer & Steve Balmer Gets Egged

2008-05-19T22:37:00.001-07:00

I don't know what I posted, but all of a sudden, there are ads for naked pictures of Hillary Clinton. What kind of sicko wants this? Even Bill doesn't want to see naked pictures of Hillary!

Speaking of Sickos, Michael Moore is coming out with a new movie. It is a sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11. Many people knew about this movie for years, but it hasn't come out yet because all the material about how much Bush sucks is just so obvious that it doesn't need to be repeated.

By the way, they were going to name the Sicko movie, "I Went To Cuba And It Sank", but they didn't have enough space to fit that title with Michael Moore's fat ass on the cover.

But the real joke here is this President. And also the next President. I don't care who it is, but we are down to 3 choices:
-a woman with a fake laugh and an adulterous husband who everybody thinks is a man because she wears pant suits and says that she fired guns for a while and also single-handedly fought Bosnian rebels under sniper fire and everybody hates her because she made more money than you did and everybody also hates her because she isn't a quitter
-a semi-black man with no experience who associates with a psycho reverend and is pampered by the media who always downplays all the bad things he does, and is an elitest because he said that poor people cling to guns and religion like those are bad things and now he is pretending to be a poor person who cares about you and people are buying it
-a nine-hundred year old fart who keeps telling us about his war stories and how he spent six years in a Vietnam prison, and who looks like he should be a Wal-Mart greeter, and is only running for President so he could get the health insurance benefit

And also Ted Kennedy has brain cancer. Doctors were shocked to discover that he has a brain. But seriously, on behalf of nobody else here, I would like to give my condolences to his family.

As a Kennedy, he has already out-lasted his life expectancy. Don't most of these Kennedy's get assasinated by the time they are 40?

This is where I should make a "hot air" joke, but I don't really have one. Seriously though, I think that the Senate would do a lot better if half of their members were dead.

And now the pundits are going to talk about how Obama's poll numbers will be affected by Ted Kennedy's brain cancer since Kennedy endorsed him.

Anyways, I don't know if you know who Steve Balmer is. But he thinks he is a big shot just because he is the CEO of Microsoft and is worth $15 billion.

He was in Hungary this week giving a speech and some guy in the audience got up and yelled something about how Microsoft is stealing their money. Then he egged him. Steve Balmer went and hid behind the desk like a sissy.

And the most surprising thing is that the guy didn't get Tasered and beaten to death by an army of police officers. Then I realized that this was not an American university.

I can't believe that Balmer is such a wimp! A couple of years ago, he freaked out because one of his employees went to work for Google. He made death threats to the heads of Google and then broke a chair in his office. And now, not even a single swear or punch.

After the guy was done throwing his eggs, he got up and left. And that was it. No arrest. No beating. No extensive prison term. No nothing.

See the video here:

MySpace Is Now A Deadly Weapon

2008-05-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

Posting something intelligent on this blog isn't a habit that I would like to get into, but today we have something most serious to discuss.

As you all know, a year ago, a 13-year-old girl comitted suicide by hanging herself on her closet rail with a belt. And I know what you're all thinking: closet rails are strong enough to hold a 13-year-old girl? Why doesn't my house have a closet rail that strong?

But seriously, these teen suicides happen every single day across the country and across the world. Yet, the media decided to focus on this one in specific, and all day long the media would piss us off about how 15 minutes of MySpace.com killed this girl.

Here is what happened: Megan Meier was a happy little girl. Actually, she wasn't. She was depressed some of the times. But she was also friends with another little girl who's mother is Lori Drew.

And then they weren't friends anymore. So Lori Drew went onto MySpace and made a MySpace account and called herself Josh. Then she started talking to Megan Meier as Josh in order to figure out what Megan thought of her daughter.

And Megan was happy again. Because some hot guy who is 3 years older than her is talking to her on some website for 15 minutes a week.

And then Josh, who doesn't even exist, told Megan that he didn't want to be friends anymore. So Megan killed herself.

And then everybody blamed Lori Drew and felt sad for Megan's parents. But the prosecutors used their heads and realized that there was no case. Then today, federal prosecutors decided that they would indict Lori Drew for, among other things, violating the MySpace Terms of Service.

My favorite line from the indictment:

Lori Drew pretended to be Josh Evans, "when in fact, Lori Drew and the co-conspirators knew that they were not a 16-year-old boy"

Lori Drew is a bitch. And she was negligent. And the stuff that she wrote to Megan was absolutely unacceptable, especially if she knew that Megan was depressed and possibly suicidal.

But is she to blame for the death? What if Josh was a real 16-year-old boy and he told Megan that he didn't want to talk to her anymore? Would the police go and arrest Josh now?

And where are Megan's parents in all of this? They KNEW that their daughter was suicidal. Hell, they were the ones buying her the anti-depressants! And they knew that she was talking to Josh and then later swearing at him. They had to limit their daughter's access to the internet.

Let me tell you something. It's not easy to kill yourself, let alone hang yourself with a belt from a closet rail. And closet rails aren't even that high. Plus you have to take into account the length of the belt. I don't know how tall Megan was, but if she was tall, she wouldn't have been able to choke when she hung herself because her feet were still on the ground. And if she was short, she would've had to be REALLY FREAKING SHORT, and she wouldn't have been able to climb up to actually hang herself.

And hanging and killing yourself creates a lot of noise. So why isn't anyone blaming the parents here?

And another thing. How do we know that she killed herself as a result of Josh? She broke up with Lori Drew's daughter, so maybe she broke up with other real children. And her parents did move her to a new school. Don't you think that that had something to do with it?

This case could have severe repercussions with respect to social networking websites. I don't know exactly what kind of stupidity Congress will think up, but you can bet that they are going to do something ridiculous enough to cripple the entire Internet.

Miley Cyrus Sex Tape

2008-05-14T23:22:00.001-07:00

You pervert! How dare you even consider reading about the Miley Cyrus Sex Tape?

There is no Miley Cyrus sex tape for three more years. Until then, you can see her GOT MILK ad:

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b136836_mileys_got_milk.html

I am not going to post it here because most people would consider it perverted. But even more scary is how many people are searching for the Miley Cyrus Sex Tape today...

I could sit here all night and make jokes about how stupid Miley Cyrus is. Like, they asked her what the capital of California is, and she said "C".

Or how she was on the plane with the Pope and there were only 2 parachutes. Miley jumps out of the plane, and the pilot and the Pope argue about who gets the last parachute. The Pope says not to worry because Miley jumped out with his briefcase. Of course, this joke doesn't make any sense because the Pope doesn't carry a briefcase - he keeps the Vaseline and condoms in his cape!

I am not going to sit here and continue to make jokes about how Miley Cyrus is an idiot, because I will just end up with a whole bunch of hate mail. So I will make tasteless jokes about her:

What has 10,000 arms, 10,000 legs, 5,000 heads, and an IQ of 8?
5,000 fans at a Miley Cyrus concert!

You know what, forget it. I can't write any jokes about her that don't involve how much of a stupid redneck she is. I mean, she went on the Jay Leno show and drank ketchup from the bottle like it was water! I don't even know what to say. Oh yes, it is bad etiquette to drink ketchup from the bottle - you can only eat it with fried squirrel!

Fire One Bullet, Hit The Target, Fire Two Bullets, Go To Jail

2008-05-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't know about this until late this afternoon, when Lou Dobbs started freaking out about it.

He said that the judge in this case didn't have a brain. And he called the defense attorney a useless pile of shit.

The law says that you can't have an automatic weapon without a license. And it also says that an automatic weapon is one that fires more than one bullet with one trigger pull.

So this guy goes to the firing range and fires with his gun. But it malfunctions and fires two bullets. So somebody saw this and called the police. And the police called the ATF. And the ATF decided to press charges - unlawful posession of a machine gun.

And somehow, 12 people all agreed that he was guilty and today he was sentenced to 30 months in prison.

Needless to say, an appeal is pending and we will probably hear about it in a year.

Doesn't this government have better things to do? Not to mention, I thought that Republican's were pro-machine gun. Bush let the Assault Weapons Ban expire. I still can't understand this judgement. If I empty an entire clip by pulling the trigger dozens of times, that is legal, but if I fire two bullets with the same pull, that is a felony?

I remember a rapper bought several dozen machine guns. It was practically enough to run a small militia. But nothing happened to him.

Anyways, back to what people are searching for...

"1000 Ways To Die"

I thought that there were more than 1000 ways to die. In an earlier post, I discussed some of the more interesting ways to commit suicide. Thanks to Wikipedia, we now know about killing yourself with a gun, slitting your wrists, driving your car into a brick wall, carbon monoxide poisioning, and explosives.

Which gives me an idea for a new service:

One guy has asked the question: What is the most ethical way to commit suicide? He said that he is "keen to reduce my carbon impact on the planet"

"I am 26 years old, and reckon I could live for another 60 years; if I end things now I will save a total of 558 tonnes of carbon, for which I believe future generations should be grateful. But I have a question: what is the most ethical way to commit suicide? I don’t want my self-destruction to be destructive to the planet! "

So the answer is:

-what a selfless decision!
-if we look at how many children this guy could have had, those would have contributed to even more CO2
-with respect to the method of suicide, many people who commit suicide are inconsiderate. For example, if you jump off a building, you have no idea how toxic the cleaning products are that are used to remove your blood from the sidewalk.
-and many selfish families want to have a funeral with the body
-and cremation isn't an option either due to all of the pollution
-and jumping into the sea will be toxic to the fish
-so the only option is to set yourself on fire in the woods, with vegetable oil and bio-fuels
-and don't leave a suicide note, it just wastes paper

And people are still searching for Fantasia Barrino, whoever the hell that is. Apparently she won American Idol but she can't read. And she looks like a man:

I have an idea. How about we have Fantasia Barrino commit suicide on live television, with a machine gun!

I'm Sorry

2008-05-11T01:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for being so racist. Actually, I'm not. I'm not racist and I'm not sorry. And just because some prick decides to post some stupid illegible comment doesn't mean I'm going to stop.

But for now, we have other issues...

First of all, where the hell did John McCain go? Oh yes, he went back to his old job as a Wal-Mart greeter. No, seriously, that old geezer probably died and they haven't told us yet. Imagine that, a corpse will be the next President of the United States. And he'll still do a better job than the current one!

This 13 year old stole his dad's credit card. Actually, he didn't. He called his daddy's credit card company and asked them to send him a credit card on his dad's account.

Then the little punk went to work spending the money with his friends. They ended up in a Texas motel. Then they got down to business playing World of Warcraft. And they got the munchies - a delivery boy brought them Dr Pepper, Oreos, and Fritos. They asked the delivery boy where they could "score some chicks" because they needed relaxation after winning big in World of Warcraft.

So already there is a serious issue with this story: Since when does 7/11 have a delivery man? You're so fat and lazy because you keep eating junk food that you can't even get your ass to the junk food store.

Then when the hookers...er escorts arrived, the boys asked them to play Halo on the XBOX with them. The hookers got suspicious, but $1000 per night is $1000 per night. The boys told them that they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them. This kid quite sharp thinking, but what do you expect - his dad's a lawyer!

The kid says that his daddy wouldn't mind because he forgot to buy his son a birthday present.

So the kid's punishment is 3 years of community service. And also his daddy will take him to Disney Land.

Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician. Well, why not: he's already got all of the qualities of one; he lies to people, he steals money, he hires escorts at sleazy motels, and at the end of the day, he gets rewarded for it!

Now onto the other issues. As if the above story isn't enough proof that we should stop having kids, this lady in Arkansas is pregnant with her 18th child. And she's only 41.

They live in a 7,000 square foot home. But for 20 people, that isn't a lot of space. I say they need at least a house twice that size. And if having to put up with 17 other siblings isn't punishment enough, all of their names start with the letter J.

They are debt free. Of course, they are debt free - the family is in the process of filming another series for Discovery Health. So they are using their kids as slaves and making money off this unhealthy behavior. Maybe they should film a birth control commercial!

I bet she doesn't even know the names to half of her children.

Wino In The Slammo

2008-05-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

It's about time, or as the British say, It's Bloody About Time, that Amy Winehouse has been arrested for posession of crack.

I got a new song for that bitch to sing (sung to the tone of Rehab):

They tried to make me go to rehab. I said no, no, no. So off to jail I go, go, go!

Yes, I've been on crack, and I ain't coming back, no, no, no.

Her husband is already in jail. So now she will join him in a dank, dark cell. It is exactly like her life: dark, and miserable.

The only real surprise is why the hell she wasn't arrested a long time ago. I mean, how the hell did the police just ignore this bitch? She was smoking crack on live television and then they taped her and put it all over the web. And now they finally decide to arrest her.

Honestly, I can't understand why this woman screwed up her life so terribly:

I would post a picture of shit to compare her to, but thanks to the Department of Justice, it is now a federal felony to post pictures of shit on the internet. It's obscene. It's unacceptable. You can post a video of a woman having sex with four horses at the same time, and the Courts insist that it has artistic merit, but God help you if you post a picture of something natural.

A while back, she was plump and pretty. Now she is an ugly twig covered in tattoos and she looks like shit:

The bitch was attractive, and she had talent. She could sing. So why the hell did she marry a loser and start taking crack. Why crack?

And what the hell is up with her eye lashes? And she took out some of her teeth. Some strange women sit around and pluck their eye lashes, but this one wants to have more of them. They look like, well, I don't know what they look like.

I think that Wino is a space alien. So why isn't Tom Cruise worshipping her?

****

Onto the other thing, the government's War on Money. With the failure of the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on The Environment (a/k/a No Tree Left Behind Act), and the War on Christmas.

So with the War on Money, the President announced that the rebates have two parts:

1. They provide us with money (no shit!)

2. They help us become consumers (if we're not currently consumers, what the hell are we?)

3. They are going to be big enough (where the hell did number 3 come from? If our government can't count, maybe they shouldn't be messing with our money.)
4. They are going to be helpful (really?)

If you are one person, you will get $300. And if you are two people, you will get $600. And if you have children, you can get $300 for each of them. I say forget the rebate, you can get more than $300 for your kids on the black market!

Happy Wedding Wishes To Miley Cyrus

2008-05-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

We would like to wish our wishes or whatever it is you wish people who are about to get married. So happy wishes to you Miley Cyrus..er..I mean Jenna Bush. My mistake, Miley isn't getting married for at least two more weeks.

You see, here is the life cycle of a child media whore like Miley:
-First the child is born to loser parents (in this case Billy Ray Cyrus, a pot head who hasn't showered since 1982 and has no idea what clean clothes are)
-Then some guy down in Hollywood with sunglasses and a ponytail discovers "talent" in the child, which basically means she can talk.
-And they all focus their attention on her and make her a media whore.
-By age 15 she is a household name and her face is everywhere.
-By age 16 she's gotten laid by every guy in town and is pregnant.
-By 20 she is married to somebody who is either a loser, in which case they are happy together, but the media keeps making fun of how she married a loser, or a successful person, and they hate each other.
-By 22 she is divorced and on crack.
-By 24 nobody will know who Miley Cyrus is anymore.
-And by 26 she will be dead.

So Miley has already made nude photographs. And they say that it isn't porn because her dad was in the room and encouraged this behavior. And also because it wasn't "skanky" in her words. And it also wasn't "skanky" because she wasn't wearing much make-up.

So let me get this straight...A nude 15-year-old. And her dad consented to the nude photography. And not much make-up. And they try to argue that it was "art". This isn't porn; it's child porn. But we're not allowed to call it child porn because Vanity Fair took the picture and not some creepy looking 50-year-old.

Anyways, I don't know what Miley Cyrus has to do with Jenna Bush, who we send our best wishes to, especially since she said that she would rather vote Democrat.

They are going to have a small wedding on Bush's Crawford ranch in Texas, next to the lake. And there will only be 200 guests. The Bushes all want to have what they call a humble wedding - you know, on a ranch, next to the lake, only 200 guests, and a bride and 16 bridesmades each wearing an $8,000 Oscar de la Renta gown and surrounded by hundreds of secret service agents!

But the real shocker is that she's going to go live in Baltimore with her husband, in a humble existence (2 bedroom, 2 bathroom house), and we'll never have to hear from her again. What the hell is she thinking? We all know that she can do way better.

And on a final note, I would like to mention the BS "stimulus" that this government has come up with. For decades the government has been gouging us at the pumps. Congress is just a bunch of hypocrates: they force the executives at the major oil companies to testify whether or not their $100 million profits are "excessive", while at the same time, they are gouging us at the pumps just as bad. And then they reach the conclusion that they haven't reached a conclusion as to whether or not the oil companies deserve all of this money.

So now the BS continues. They want to remove the gasoline tax for the weekend in order to stimulate the economy. And this is going to correct all of our economic problems forever. It's magic. Here is how it works - you go to the pump and instead of $4.00 per gallon, since the government took the tax away, it is $4.00 per gallon! Why $4.00? Because the gas company decided that with the few cents of tax removed, they raise the price to make up for it.

But you already drove to the gas station, so since the entire family is in the car, you will all take a road trip. And on this road trip you will have to spend money on food, but due to economic troubles, you will have to eat at McDonalds. Then you will buy more gasoline. Then you will spend money at a hotel. Then you will eat at McDonalds again. And then you will be out of money because you are poor!

So the saga continues. Because you ate at McDonalds too much, and now the whole family has to go to the hospital, which is for profit. But since you don't have any money, you will die. So the funeral industry will make some money, and there is the economic stimulus!

But this whole plan for the gas tax stimulus has only one problem: the repo man took your car away because you couldn't afford to make the payments!

Hells Bitches

2008-05-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's post, I ran into this image. It was a clear sign: that I should keep making fun because there is so much material!

****

First of all, I wished everybody a Happy Mothers Day even though Mothers Day isn't for a few days, and I forgot to wish all of the people named Sanchez, Garcia, Gonzalez, Hernandez, Lopez or some other Spanish name a Happy Cinqo De Mayo!

So Happy Cinqo De Mayo to all of the Spanish people, except for Hugo Chavez, because I hate that sack of shit.

Anyways, how many people seen Iron Man? The movie was out on the streets of China very quickly. And we could tell that it was a Chinese counterfeit because they called him Lead Man!

But seriously, today I watched Hells Kitchen. And in the last two episodes, Ramsey didn't go psycho on people as much as before. Probably because there were too many children around. Last week, he made them cook hamburgers and chicken wings during a family fun edition of Hells Kitchen. And some of these idiots served raw chicken wings!

This week, it was a sweet sixteen party. And both the girl and her mother were served with crap. And this girl said that it was her first time eating shrimp, and she didn't like it one bit. What the hell is going on? This is some classy LA girl; she should be eating shrimp for breakfast!

But my real issue is with Corey. What a whore. A few shows ago, she stripped down and got into the hot tub. Then she called the guys over and asked them to join her. Half of them said no. But the fat one took off his shirt and jumped in. And there was no water left in the hot tub after that.

Today, she stripped down and got into the hot tub again. And she invited toilet brush to join her.

Here is a picture of Louross a/k/a Toilet Brush:

In case you're wondering, Louross is on the right!

So here is what I can't stand:

-This isn't Big Brother. It isn't like the contestants are going to bang each other, and then Sumner Redstone can let you watch the dirty parts on the premium channel he runs.

-And it's not like the guys are going to lose because they were in the same hot tub as Corey. They will go into the hot tub, and then dry themselves off with a towel. Then they will go to bed and when they wake up, there will be a wet spot on their underwear. That's right! They will pee their pants due to nightmares involving Chef Ramsey! What did you think you pervert?

It's not like the men will spend the entire dinner service thinking of her.

-Speaking of which, Corey isn't even hot. She's just an ugly bitch.

****

Also, Hillary barely wins in Indiana (by 1%) and Obama wastes her in North Carolina (by 10%). North Carolina has double the delegates available.

So based on these results, I would like to congradulate the next President of The United States: John McCain.

No, seriously. The pundits sat around today and said the following:

-The Reverend Wright crap will destroy Obama's chances of winning.

-Hillary would get huge leads in Indiana, and a marginal lead in North Carolina

-Even if she loses, she's not giving up!

They were right about one thing: That bitch isn't going to give up, even if each voter shoots her in the head.

Hillary's response: She would win Pensylvania, he would win North Carolina and Indiana would be the tie breaker. Well, it proved to be a very effective tie breaker: we now know that not only can't she win, but the bitch can't add either!

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

I would like to wish my mother a Happy Mother's Day!

And while I'm feeling generous with being nice, I might as well wish your mother a Happy Mother's Day!

Hell, for those of you who were born in a test tube, I would also like to wish your test tube a Happy Mother's Day. But the test tube is also your father. So it gets to celebrate twice. If you were born in a test tube, do you buy your test tube a test tube rack for mothers day or something?

And since we are being politically correct, and some of you have two daddies, I also have to say Happy Degenerate Faggot Who Acts Like A Woman Day.

I got a new toy today. But I can't tell you what it is yet. Except that my dad won't let me drive it because he says it's too dangerous and likely to flip over.

Anyways, onto serious business.

Today, somebody called me racist for the blog post I made on Friday. But they didn't call me sexist for the blog post I made on Thursday. So what gives?

Comment: "Ok maybe it's just me or isn't your last blog very racist in nature? Maybe you should tone the hate down a bit."

WatchTVSitcom's Answer: Kiss my ass. I wasn't trying to be racist. Hell, that doesn't even come close to being racist. As some old white dude said, The Truth Is Never Racist!

I feel exactly like a politician: I spoke my mind and now they decided to mis-interpret me and turn it into a public relations nightmare. But unlike a politician, I don't need your votes, so I will continue to tell you the truth. And the truth is sad.

Keep in mind that I did not label this individual as a criminal because he is black; I labeled him as a dumb criminal he is black. No, seriously, I'm not interested in making an argument here that black people are more criminal than white people. If this person was white and went to the bank and tried to cash a $360 billion check, I would have posted it here. And he probably would have looked like this:

We don't hear about white people doing these kinds of stupid things. Maybe it's because the media wants to stick to reporting crimes committed by black people. Maybe it's because the police are more likely to investigate crimes committed by black people. Or maybe we subconsciously ignore crimes committed by white people. I don't know.

Then I went on to say how your typical rich black person has only a few items on his shopping list: A Rolls Royce, a fur coat, a mansion, a gun, a bling bling necklace, and a criminal defense attorney.

This does not require even the slightest of explanations. There are currently no black billionaires except for Oprah: Mohammed Al Amoudi and Aliko Dangote are Saudi's. And Oprah isn't even really a black person.

So the only other rich black people are rappers like 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Tupac, and Snoop Dog. And Chris Tucker, Will Smith, Denzel, and Samuel L. Jackson are sort of rich. But not rich rich.

Comment: "so i guess if he was white he would buy all the half used FEMA trailers and the never used Britney Spears panties..invest in the oil transportaion company Dick C owns and keep lieing to the American pulic about terror..coming soon to a Middle East not near u..McDonalds..Stupidfagfuc..Another puppet raised by the media.."he could have sold the weed and robbed the bank"bitchkillyourself "

WatchTVSitcom's Answer: Well, this was obviously written by a black person. First of all lady, if you want to make a point why don't you figure out how to write a sentence properly first. Or are you being stupid on purpose? Because you capitalize "FEMA", and "Britney Spears", but not "i" or any other sentence.

Why would a white person buy half used FEMA trailers? Or Britney's panties? I am white and I most certainly don't want Britney's panties. Maybe some trailer trash people want these things, but they aren't really white, and their turn will come. And last I checked, buying trailers or Britney's panties wasn't illegal.

Yes, he could have sold the weed or robbed the bank. If he sold the weed, he would have made some cash and fed his kids for the first time that month. But probably he would have just spent the money on more weed or bullets for his gun.

And he was going to steal from that bank anyways. At least if he robbed them at gun point he probably would've gotten away with it. Or not. He would've gone back to that bank later in the day to deposit the money that he stole.

And as for Bush, he is not a typical white person. We all know that he sucks. People have been saying this for years now. But I don't think that Obama would be any better:
-Replace presidential lemo with a Rolls Royce
-Instead of state dinners, we would have pool parties with bitches
-Speaking of which, we would no longer have a rose garden at the White House, we would have a giant swimming pool
-Instead of a flag pin, Obama would wear a dollar sign

And thanks for your typical black person greetings: Stupidfagfuc and bitchkillyourself ! You have really enlightened me. Before your comment, I didn't even know that Stupidfagfuc was a word.

The World's Richest Man

2008-05-02T01:36:00.000-07:00

The picture below is of the world's richest man. Or it was for about a nanosecond. Now this jackass is the world's stupidest man:

Why? Today, he went to the bank and tried to deposit a check for $360,000,000,000. That is 360 BILLION dollars. How stupid can you get?

And his lame excuse was that his girlfriend's mother gave him the money to start a record company. The worst part about this story isn't the blatent forgery, or the fraud, or the lack of morals, but that this guy actually, seriously believed that he would get away with this. It isn't just bad, it is insulting.

In terms of rich black person assets, $360 billion could buy you:
-1,200,000 Rolls Royces
-36,000,000 fur coats
-7,200,000 bling bling necklaces
-18,000 mansions
-12,000,000 machine guns
-360,000 weapons/drug criminal defense attorneys

So really, your typical black person could go through the $360 billion in no time at all. Hell, he'll need to forge a check like this every week! Or maybe get a freaking job!

And soon he will go crying to Reverend Wright about how the white man opressed him and forced him to forge a check because he could never achieve the goal of having 360 billion dollars.

To make matters worse, he was caught with weed and a gun. Seriously, what is this guy thinking? He would have been better off selling the weed on the street or using the gun to rob the bank.

Use the money to start a record company? Well, he'll have plenty of time to write songs in jail! Isn't that how Akon got started?

Anyways, in other news, the whore Jenna Jameson is trying to have a baby with her boyfriend Tito Ortiz. I believe that they are going to name her Herpes!

But that is going to be one interesting life for that child.

First there will be kindergarten:
Teacher: What do your parents do for a living?
Student: Well, my daddy gets paid to beat people up, and my mommy screws people at work.
Teacher: Oh, you mean your dad's a police officer and your mom is a lawyer?

So kindergarten won't be a big issue. But by grade 7, half of your class has seen your mom naked. So in terms of academics, as long as the kid has male teachers, he won't do too bad. Most kids bring their teachers apples, but this kid will bring them porno movies.

So maybe the kid will have a stable life. But then again, we all know that celebrity relationships do not last more than a few weeks. But these aren't celebrities: they are a bully and a degenerate whore!

Hillary's No Pansy

2008-05-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

The governor of North Carolina says that Hillary is no pansy. Well, that is wonderful!

Do you know what a pansy is? It's "a man who behaves in a way that is considered to be more typical of a woman" Wait, isn't Hillary a pansy then? Or is she something opposite of that, like a woman who behaves like a man? Is Hillary a woman or is Hillary a man?

Let's analyse this carefully:

Hillary wants to be President. That is a job for men only. So she is a man.

She also wears pant suits. Men wear pant suits. Hillary is wearing them so that nobody sees her balls. So she is a man. But then again, some men wear skirts, like this guy who wears a skirt while cutting his grass. More on this later.

Men can't understand what the hell Hillary is saying. But men can understand each other, and can never understand women. So maybe she is a woman after all.

And Hillary has earmarked $2.3 billion in projects. She loves spending money. So that makes her a woman, especially if the cash goes to typical government pork projects like a high heels musuem. But if they went to build a baseball field or race track, then she could be a man. Actually, a lot of money went into high tech weapons systems.

And what about her story about shooting a gun in her backyard with her grandpa? That is a sure sign of manliness! Ditto for the story about being pinned down by sniper fire.

So I have to conclude that the pants suits, the guns, the weapons systems say that she is a man. But the lack of communication skills, the fake laugh, and the all round general bullshit say that she is a woman! This means one thing: she is not a man, she is not a woman, she is a politician.

Now that we are done with that intellectual pursuit, back to reality. A governor calling Hillary a pansy? What the hell is going on? The first pansy was the governor of New Jersey, who turned out to be banging another guy. And then we have Rudi Guiliani who likes to dress up as a woman. And they said that Spitzer wanted to do some "weird" things with his whore. So why don't we just change the word Governor to pansy? In other news, "The pansy of New York announced today that...." Pansy could also equal Congressman or Broadway actor!

Where was I? The guy who mows his lawn. On my way to school I listen to Sirius satellite radio and there is this Jay Thomas show. When I turn on my car, the first the GPS/radio turns on and it tunes in to FOX News. And they go on with the usual bullshit, Obama said this, terror here, Hillary said that, terror there. A guy with a beard is planning to blow up a building, no wait, he's just re-fueling his lawnmower, no wait, it's a lawn mower of mass destruction, no wait, he's just cutting grass with it, no wait, it could be releasing some sort of toxic grass clippings, no wait, we have to stop scaring you because Bush is making a speech about one of his random topics like "Making America Stronger" or "Making America More Secure" or "Helping America's Workers" or "Funding America's Seniors".

Anyways, when FOX News goes to commercial, Sirius plays its own commercials, and all of them tell you to tune in to a different channel. So I finally listened to them and now I like to listen to the Jay Thomas show.

And this week, they were talking about this guy who mows the lawn with a skirt. But not just his own lawn. He mows lawns all over town. He has a serious problem. If he mows the lawn, he gets heat rash. But if he wears a yellow skirt, then there is no rash. He can't wear shorts because they "trap the sweat". And he can't wear a long skirt or it will get caught up in the lawn mower. And he can't wear a kilt because they make him itchy. The city is charging him with indecent exposure.

But why does he have to wear an offensive yellow skirt? Just wear a black one. And stay the hell away from me you pansy!

Fat Ass And Idiot

2008-04-28T23:17:00.001-07:00

First, is Fat Ass.

This fat ass kid, well he looks like a kid, is in a county jail for pending murder charges. As if he doesn't have enough problems on his hands, now he is suing the county for not giving him enough calories. Seriously, that fat ass needs to slim down. He says that for dinner, they only feed him two sandwiches, chips, lettuce, and cookies. And he doesn't even get to eat again until breakfast the next morning! What is going on here? Why don't they just put a mini-bar in his cell?

He also says that losing half a pound a day isn't healthy at all. You already way 400 pounds you fat ass! So what if you lost a hundred? Hell, you still have a hundred more to go!

Take a look at some before and after pictures:

I bet you that his fat sticks out between the bars in his cell door.

As for his murder charge? He probably killed the guy by sitting on him! Actually, he killed a guy named Randy Walker by stabbing him with a fireplace poker and then set his house on fire. Then he ran to the bar and got drunk. When the police found him, the killer told him that he has Randy Walker's blood on his shoes.

I don't believe this story for one instant. First, how did this fat ass manage to go get a gas container and drench the house with gasoline? He can barely walk. Maybe he rolled out? And after setting the place on fire, that fat ass must have needed to stop in the kitchen and fix himself a snack. So if he set the place on fire, he couldn't have gotten out alive. Unless of course, Randy Walker didn't keep any food in his house.

You know what we should do? We should give them all cake and hope that they all become diabetic and die. Then we won't have to pay to keep them in jail.

I hope that the fat ass gets convicted and gets the death penalty. But they're going to need two electric chairs to execute him!

And next is idiot.

Idiot went to Wal-Mart and picked up a $600 LCD television. And he switched its barcode with one from a $3 bottle of water.

I know what you are thinking. That's robbery! They should be jailed for selling water at $3 a bottle of water!

Needless to say, even the loser, high school drop-out, $7 per hour cashier at Wal-Mart knew that even the most lousy Wal-Mart brand, dead on arrival television costs more than $3. So now the man is in jail.

Stealing from Wal-Mart shouldn't be a crime. Wal-Mart steals from every community that it enters. But they don't call it theft, they call it capitalism.

So if (God forbid) you find yourself at a Wal-Mart, you can get even:

- Go into a fitting room and wait a few minutes. Then yell, "There isn't any toilet paper in here!"

- Stare into a security camera and pick your nose

- Get bullets, or condoms, or ladies underwear and put them into the shopping carts of unsuspecting customers (especially old ladies).

- Re-dress the mannequins

OJ's Apprentice

2008-04-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

They are filming a new season of The Celebrity Apprentice. With OJ Simpson.

Which is good, because when it airs, there will at least be one celebrity that I've heard of. I mean, last time, The Donald brought all of the bullshit excuses for celebrities that nobody's heard of. Who the hell is Marilu Henner anyways?

The first task will be to make a commercial for Tide: washes out even the toughest stains!

But seriously, I do not want to be the elevator man on the night that OJ is fired.

You know, here we are making fun of OJ. But he could seriously win this thing - I mean he got out of a capital murder case when there literally was blood on his hands, and he avoided paying a multi-million dollar settlement. He will really slice up the competition!

Okay, we will conclude with some classic OJ jokes:

One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won't press charges. In exchange, O.J. has promised not to double murder the man.

Q: Why do they call him O.J.?
A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife.

Q: Why does everyone want O.J. over for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He sure knows how to slice the hell out of the white meat!

Do You Know Who This Is?

2008-04-16T18:08:00.001-07:00

This is no Perez Hilton Guess The Celebutard.

Do you know who that bitch is?

It is Pamela Anderson in Malibu. I could swear that it was a picture of some STD-filled crack whore. Oh, wait. Same thing.

Akon Is Not A Criminal

2008-04-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

So some incredible detective work has proven that Akon only went to jail once.

That really sucks.

He has been arrested six times and one case is pending when he threw a boy off a stage...

He also lied on his paternity documents - saying that he makes $180,000 per year.

So the only thing that he really did was drive a stolen BMW. He spent time in jail and then the prosecutors dropped the charges. It turns out that there was a $100,000 guitar in the trunk. And the idiot just threw the guitar out!

I understand that he was also attacked by sniper fire on his latest tour.

I'm Back

2008-04-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Actually, I was never gone. But I do have final exams these days - so I'm busy right now.

Quite some fiesty people these days.

Last weekend, I screwed up big time. I had the UFC stuff all set up so that you could watch it live. And then it wasn't until the next day that I figured out that I was a week ahead. But a lot of people didn't - and I got a lot of angry e-mails. But you can tune in right now to see other stuff.

Now back to hating people on my blog!

Reply To My Post About Reverend Wright

2008-03-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

Last week, I talked about Obama's preacher and how he is just a conspiracy theorist. Well, thanks to this reply, I can strengthen my points:

If every African-American in the United States had a master's degree only 1% or less would be hired for the job. Racism is enormous and if you're not African-American you will never understand what we endure on a daily basis. If you know an African-American try reaching out to him or her, hang out with them for a week or so. Let them open your eyes to the real world. African-Americans are the last to get hired and the first to get fired, when we order food in resturantes the food is not as fresh as yours, when we by appliances we are sure to buy the warrenty otherwise we will get the refurbished junk. In other words African-Americans in most cases always pay more for their appliances,electronics and anything else that requires a warrenty. Even genetically altered foods are sold in African-American or low income neighborhoods.Which,is sure to cause diabetes, stroke or a heart attack. Genetically altered foods and medicines are designed to match the DNA genes of African-Americans, Hispanics and American Indians. And this doesn't include the tip of the iceberg.

To answer you, first of all, not every African American has a masters degree. So you can't prove your statement.

"African-Americans are the last to get hired and the first to get fired." This is only your opinion. Sometimes, you find a case where a black person got fired and our 24/7 news media decides to make a 6-hour long story about it because they have nothing better to talk about. Then everybody starts talking about racism for a few days and about how all American businesses are racist. Have you been fired due to no fault of your own?

"When we order food in resturantes (sic) the food is not as fresh" Lets be serious here. Are you stupid or something? If you eat in a restaurant run by black people, maybe they will serve you with nasty food. But otherwise, anybody will agree that this statement is false.

"When we by (sic) appliances you get the refurbished junk" Well that is your problem. I'm pretty sure that if you know how to read, you can see which boxes contain new appliances and which ones contain refurbished ones.

"African Americans pay more?" I thought that African-Americans are always whining about being poor because the white man exploited them? So how can they be paying more?

"Genetically altered foods are sold in African-American or low income neighborhoods." You mean, genetically modified foods? Genetically modified foods are sold everywhere. I eat genetically modified foods every single day. You can't go to any supermarket these days and find food that hasn't been genetically modified.

"Genetically altered foods and medicines are designed to match the DNA genes of African-Americans, Hispanics and American Indians." How do you know this? Are you one of those African-Americans with a Masters Degree in genetics who was in the 99% of people fired from their jobs?

I said it before and I will say it again. I agree that overall, black people aren't as successful as white people or even other minorities. There is racism everywhere. There are white-run businesses that don't hire black people. But there are also black-run businesses that don't hire white people.

Black people aren't getting ahead as a result of their own failures. There are many programs available to help black people out. In fact, it is much easier to be successful as a black person than as a white person. Don't tell me that you can't get hired. Affirmative action guarantees that black people get hired. But many black people decide to sit around in Reverend Wright's sermons and nod their heads about how America is evil and has screwed them out of everything instead of doing any real work.

The CEOs of some of the most successful companies are black:

E. Stanley O'Neal - CEO of Merril Lynch (lovely, a black man runs a company named Lynch)
Kenneth I. Chenault - CEO of American Express
John W. Thompson - CEO of Symantec
Richard D. Parsons - CEO of Time Warner
Robert Wood - CEO of Crompton Corp.
Errol Davis - CEO of Alliant Energy

So Board of directors made up of a bunch of old white men decided to hire a black person to head the company. So racism can't exactly trickle down.

Aren't You Just A F****** Ray Of Sunshine?

2008-03-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

As you know, running this site is difficult when you are only one person...who has many other things to do.

So 2 movies stopped working yesterday.

And this loving Mexican visitor brought all of his cousins over to watch movies on WatchTVSitcoms. But Never Back Down wasn't working. He said that it really "grins my gers".

And I get this e-mail from this loving visitor:

i am furryus that my small cusin came from mexico to my house and u deleted horten hers a who. then i cheek that never back down.FURIUS ESPESIALY WHEN U SUSPENDED NEVER BACK DOWN I INVITED ALL MY FRENDS OVER TO WHACH IT BUT NO IT WAS SUSPENDED WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!! HOW DOES A MOVE GET SUSPENDID COME ON that relly grins my gers. and what is this crap about If you have a technical question, please read Help and check in the Forum to make sure that your question wasn\'t already answered.and yes i trid evry thing you sade and i DEMAND a ANSWER as SOON as POSIBAL!!!!!!! THANK U FOR LISANING.

The Playah Mayah

2008-03-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

So this man named Kwame Kilpatrick, who is a part time pimp, part time mayor of Detroit and he is going quit being mayor. Or not. They want him to quit because he wears a diamond earing. And also because he got indicted for a whole bunch of felonies.

He threw stripper parties at the mayor's mansion!

He said that he will continue to "do the cities business".

If you ask me, he isn't very experienced as either a mayor or a pimp. He was pimpin his secretary, and she got pissed with him. As a pimp, he should have shot the bitch. And as the mayor of Detroit, he should have had one of his crooked cops shoot her. But instead he gave her $8.4 million dollars.

She was in a whistle blowing lawsuit, but if you ask me, whistles weren't all that she was blowing.

So I say he isn't very experienced. On the one hand, he is throwing stripper parties. But on the other hand, he's married.

And he's got a bunch of body guards who will rough you up. But instead of the typical heavily armed black dudes in baggy jeans and Sean Jean hoodies, we got white guys in tight fitting suits.

And that's not all.

He used his position to give various contracts to his friends. Like a $131 million dollar contract for a radio system. What the hell? All you need is a bunch of $10 walkie talkies from Wal-Mart.

Last year, he charged up $210,000 on his city issued credit card. They say it was for "extravagant dining" and massages. But I did the math. It only works out to $575 per day. A fat bastard like him has to eat at least $200 worth of food for dinner. But he can't eat alone; he's got to have his homies eat with him. So we are looking at $2000 for a dinner. Plus a nice lunch of KFC and fruit punch.

And I haven't even taken into account a vehicle, airplane tickets, hotel rooms, hookers, etc. So $200,000 a year in "expenses" is really nothing. A decent mayor would be spending at least $1-$2 million on himself.

Jonas Brothers Fan Club

2008-03-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

Above is a picture of the fags known as The Jonas Brothers. Get a freaking haircut!

Basically, they decided to take vows of chastity to impress...um...nobody, I guess. I'm not impressed because I don't believe that BS for a second. Every day on tour, they are surrounded by hundreds of scantily clad, screaming teenage girls. So either they are lying or they are gay.

And they all made chastity rings for themselves. Freaks.

So maybe they should stop lying. And Get A Freaking Haircut! And Get Clothes That Fit.

There are so many things wrong with the above picture, and I don't know where to begin.

I understand that they are on tour with that teenage slut Miley Cyrus. I don't know if this is relevant, but a recent study found that 25% of teenage girls have STDs.

Speaking of which...Disney has been screwing me up. There is somebody named Hannah Montana, and she likes to sing. But she is actually Miley Stewart. And both of these people are Miley Cyrus. And none of these people have anything to do with High School Musical, which also involves singing...which reminds me:

The guy from High School Musical also NEEDS A FREAKING HAIRCUT.

And also the media is up in arms over Miley Cyrus not wearing a seatbelt. And also something about being pregnant. Not that anybody was surprised. But not wearing a seatbelt?

Talk about bad role models. Forget blocking The Playboy channel. Parents need to block The Disney Channel.

Obama Tax Returns

Last year, Obama made a million dollars. Half of that came from sales of his book. And the rest came from other places. Interestingly, there was no mention of that crooked Chicago slumlord. So he is hiding something.

As you know, back in the good old days, he was only making around $250,000 a year.

Then the writing kicked in and Obama started making $1 million a year.

So in summary:

2006: $1 million

2005: $1.6 million

2004: $250,000

2003: $250,000

2002: $250,000

2001: $175,000

2000: $200,000

Obama banks at JP MorganChase and Northern Trust Bank and UBS. But mostly JP MorganChase. If you recall, it bought Bear Sterns for 1% of what it was worth. That makes Obama a scumbag.

Otherwise, I can't find any dirt on him right now.

What else are people searching for today?

2008-03-25T21:29:00.001-07:00

Miss Bimbo.com
Inverted Aerola
Torso in Suitcase
Wal-Mart Intercom Prank
Leech Therapy
Stiletto Bowling Shoes