I Just Heard Something

There is this loser who wrote a book about pulling his son out of school. Actually, his 15-year-old started grade 10 and he hated it. It was terrible. So the dad talked to his son. And his son said that he hated the school.

So the dad did the only responsible thing: he let his son drop out of school. But only under the condition that he doesn't have to bear any concequences for his actions. Because the dad never intended for the son to pay any rent. The only thing he had to do was watch 3 movies per week with his dad.

Apparently the dad felt that the son was a good kid who was just bored. So he made the son watch 3 movies each week to stimulate him intellectually.

And it worked! After 3 years of watching movies, the son got off of the couch and got a girlfriend and worked in a French kitchen for 14 hours a day.

Then he got his high school equivalency and has now completed his first year at the University of Toronto. And get this? He's going to film school.

And get this? The responsible father wrote a book. Great, you do something stupid and get lucky, so you end up writing a book about it. If the son turned out to be a 40-year-old selling pencils in Times Square, what would this dad be doing?

Scott Mcclellan also wrote a book today about "what happened". We already know what happened. You are full of shit and so is Bush. We don't need to pay you $40 to figure it out.

But in case you do, buy it here:

Then Amazon.com will give me seventeen cents so I can continue writing blog posts.

Bush's press secretaries are being replaced as fast as diapers, and for much the same reason: They get too full of shit!

First there was Ari, then Scott, then Tony Snow, then Dana Perino. And with Ari, the bullshit was so bad, it went right to the last day, when he said he was quitting so that he could read the sports section in the newspaper.

So that's it.

Chuck Norris isn't dead yet but we're going to end with some jokes about him:

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

When the boogeyman goes to bed, he has his mom check his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read the Bible, he stares it down until it talks.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity..... twice.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the world economy.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

A giraffe is a horse that Chuck Norris kicked in the chin.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

As Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make him drink.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris walked into KFC and ordered a Big Mac.....and got one.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris'd.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris pees in a can and sells it as RedBull.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.