What is going on?

First they were nagging about those 60-year-olds that had a kid.  Then that freak had 8 babies.  And now some 13 year old "might" be Britain's youngest father.  And I say might because about 8 other kids his age also say it was theirs.

And now New York Governor David Patterson wants to tax internet porn.  You see, the economic solution has been right here in our hands all a long.  But seriously, if this plan goes through, Bill Clinton alone will be able to set this country straight.  Actually, I think that he's just mad that he can't see any of it.

Scientists at NASA have said that there could be over 100 other planets like the Earth in our Solar System.  And all of them are in better financial shape than we are.

Last week, a Russian satellite and an American satellite collided in outer space.  And today, Sarah Palin said that she saw the collision from her house.  If you ask me, I think that the US wanted to knock down the satellite and make it look like an accident.

And a 36-year-old teacher got arrested for skipping class in order to work as a prostitute.  This is completely unacceptable.  Those poor children!  They had to have sex with the substitute.

New Logos

Companies are down the drain, so they have to redesign their logos.

Public Service Announcement

With a lot of CEOs going to jail, it is important for me to remind you that if you get a notice to serve on a jury, you'd better go.  If you miss jury duty, you're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. you're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.

There are four things all over the news today:

-That tool Christian Bale freaking out because somebody had to walk

-That stupid kid who got high after going to the dentist

-Chris Brown assaulting Rhianna

-Obama hitting his head on Air Force One.  This was his 6th trip.

If I were a Republican, I would say that Obama hitting his head is a sign from God that he is a disaster.  But I'm not a Republican.  So I will say that him taking 6 trips on Air Force one after only two weeks in office is a disaster.  What the hell is this man doing?

All of his appointees are frauds.  None of them paid their taxes.  And now Congress has to make a trillion dollars appear out of thin air just to keep the economy alive.

And the Post Office is going to have some serious changes.  You know when you go to the post office and there is that one window open?  They are closing that window.

Do you know how many people work at the post office?  About half!

But seriously, they are cutting Saturday delivery.  That means that millions of Americans will have to have sex with the UPS guy instead!

And Then The Fight Started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...


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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a 
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she sees and says to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I reply, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....



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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. 

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....


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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

The Economy Is Strong

The Super Bowl is the best indicator of our economic strength.  In 2000, companies like petsovernight.com could afford to run multiple advertisments about how they can bring a giraffe right to your door in a cardboard box. 

Last year Cadillac had a six-minute commercial, and others had people who had money coming out the wazoo.

And today, who the hell is advertising?  We have Ed McMahon, the guy who used to give random people checks for $5,000,000, and now he's doing a commercial where he has to give away his belongings to cash4gold.com for money.  What's going on?  And Denny's gave everbody in America a free breakfast.  

And Hyuandai is telling you that if you buy a car from them and you lose your job, you can give them your car back without any impact on your credit.  The other car companies couldn't even afford to run ads.

Even Budweiser has been affected.  Their first ad was about an office meeting trying to cut costs.

And then E*TRADE has to have your 2-year old tell you about the economy.

And then another group of office workers trying to steal Doritos from the vending machine.

So in sum, we're totally screwed!

That Tool Christian Bale Freaks Out

That thin-lipped American-acting-job-stealing Christian Bale was on the set of some shit movie.  It's called Terminator 4, which is the re-make of a re-make of a re-make that nobody will watch.  And some lighting dude was walking by the set during one of the shoots.  So that Bale decided that he would freak out on him.

I almost confused the recording for Rod Blagojevich

These actors need to shut the hell up.  They think that they're everything because they can go on a set and say some stupid lines, and we pay them millions of dollars.  They got this job purely by luck.  There are tens of thousands of people who can take their spot in a second and work for peanuts.

So if you want to hear him:

Obama will pardon Aretha Franklin's hat

Some of you are complaining that the bank took your home.  You should know that you have it easy.  I know a guy with a home and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.

Speaking of which, the final numbers for the inauguration are in.  4,000,000 attended, whereas only 200,000 attended Bush's inauguration.  But of course, there are more unemployed people now.

And I have just received word that Obama has pardoned Aretha Franklin's hat.  The wind blew it off of her head and it flattened 19 people.

And if that wasn't bad enough, they ruined up the oath by not mentioning the word "faithful".  Those pesky Republicans just had to get one more screw up in seconds before Obama became president.  But who can blame them?  It's not like anybody in Washington understands the meaning of the word faithful.

And I heard that all of the US Airways passengers who landed in the Hudson River received $5000 checks.  And they are also getting 3 frequent flyer miles.  I also heard that they gave them the choice of landing in Newark or in the river and they all took the river.  And the passengers who paid $25 for a life vest were able to float.  It's quite amazing that the rescue crews were able to save all of the passengers and also pull out 3 mob bodies from the river.

Seriously, though, Hillary Clinton was officially confirmed yesterday.  Senate voted 16-1 for her.  Only David Vitter voted against her (he said that he isn't used to getting behind a woman without paying her $300 first).

On the topic of the Senate, Blagojevich's senator was rejected because he doesn't meet their ethical standards.  I wonder which Senator rejected him?  Was it the one who embezzled the money and hid it in his freezer?  Or the one who sent dirty text messages to underage boys?  Or maybe the one who replaced the one who sent dirty text messages and then was caught in an affair with his secretary and had to fire her?  Or maybe the one with the hooker?  No, I bet it's the one who was caught having random gay sex in an airport bathroom stall!

Speaking of which, it's so cold in Chicago that if you buy a Senate Seat Blagojevich will throw in a free seat warmer.  And if it still doesn't sell, then he is going to wait until summer when prices improve.  The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office.  Afterwards, he thanked the Court and said "Your check is in the mail".

And Sanjay Gupta will probably be the Surgeon General.  I think he is a great choice if he has been able to keep Larry King alive for all of these years.  You know, now I realize why they call it Larry King Live.  When Sanjay is gone from CNN, they will have to call it Larry King Dead.

I'll tell you that the economy is rough.  People are standing behind George Bush just to get the free shoes.  Actually, Iraqi's can only afford to throw one show at US Presidents now.  And that dog from Marley & Me phoned Michael Vick to schedule some fights.